Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Synthesizer Patel

Search results that led to this blog and that also, in the doldrums of waiting for news to come in, seemed funny.
  1. You mean before they were invented? Not much. You mean right after they were invented? They gave cancer to people who thought it was fun to x-ray their whole body, just for fun, without a lead vest on.
  2. Well, Carole King wrote it, and then it has not stopped haunting the human race since. When the last of us keels over and begins the process of melding his or her body with the red, war-scorched earth, then, just maybe, we can close this awful chapter of American history.
  3. Very happy to report that though my blog is the number one hit for this, I did not actually put my own evaluation of this Roy Orbison song in such blunt terms.
  4. Again, I never wrote about this here. And though I have no idea who Mike is, I do, however, know the Molly in question. Weird, no?
  5. I have never before blogged about Dina Lohan. Though if had provided the voice of Toadette, you know I would have.
  6. I really hope the person who Googled this was either the most hesitant retirement party planner ever or someone shy about retiring by virtue of seeming old. I really do.
  7. Number one hit! Though it drops you at my strange short story, which does not define hazelnuts in any way whatsoever. I would like to think the person who Googled this has never heard of a dictionary — or a hazelnut, for that matter. In case they drop by again, I will offer this: hazelnuts are any nut that happen to be the color of hazel eyes.
  8. Literally, within hours of each other, and from IP addresses in different states. The answer, of course, as I previously explained in this post: A daddly long-legs always wears a tiny name badge identifying himself as such.
  9. Number one cause: drive-by shootings. Number two: rough sex gone wrong.
  10. Normally, I shy away from putting the porny search results on my blog, but this one won me over for several wonderful reasons. First, it came through Belgian Google, which, apparently, exists. Second, this person was attempting to search for his sick compulsion in a way that indicates that he has no understanding of the internet: He typed “www” before the thing he was actually Googling, which makes him look stupid but also probably made it even more difficult for him to satisfy his unholy cravings. Finally, he ended up on my post about an apartment that smelled of dog pee and that looked like a grandma lived there but never included any urinating old women. You Belgian sicko, I laugh at your sad life.
  11. The term “hot cross buns” refers to the condition in which attractive rears are angry with you.
  12. An actually worthwhile question, even if it is phrased like it came directly from a homework assignment. I honestly wish I said in the Phaedra post, but I don’t know. From what I remember, Theseus believed Phaedra’s allegation of rape without any proof.
  13. I know these words, but this query does not make any sense to me.
  14. Allergic to shellfish. Attended community college for a period. Active in various animal rights groups.
  15. Again with the porn. I honestly have no idea what this person was searching for. Porn starring a co-worker of Darryl Hannah’s? Porn about Darryl Hannah freeing her coworker from some captor? It boggles the mind.
  16. And yet again. I know what this person meant, but I am endlessly amused that they chose to phrase it how they did. Also, they apparently did so with Safe Search on. And ended up here. Ha.
  17. I am very — very — proud that my blog is the number one hit for this.


  1. What fascinating, absurd, and glorious search results you have here, Mr. Drew. Me like.

  2. And I've realized that by posting these, I'm only generating more strange Google hits. It's a wonderful positive feedback loop.