Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Your Shoes Too Big To Kickbox God

As any publicist should know — and tragically too many do not — the easiest way to piss off a journalist whose favor you may one day need to win is to besiege them with misdirected emails. If you are the kind of person who might, for example, send a news editor in Santa Barbara a press release about a bicycling-related event in San Jose that has no bearing on Santa Barbara one way or the other, perhaps you should reconsider your profession.

Additionally, because your line of work has you constantly emailing people you don’t know, perhaps it would also be best if you didn’t have a surname that would seem to be pronounced “Smell ya nuts.”

Lady, I salute your courage. Based on your name, I assume you’re either someone who overcame a lot of childhood teasing that eventually made you a better person or that you’re a very selfless woman who was willing to take her husband’s last name regardless of how negatively it might impact your children’s lives. Whichever the case, you’ve nonetheless found the guys to take a job that requires you to email to many people, thus putting your name out their for speculation — and, of course, the eventually conclusion of “Oh my god, is this woman’s last name ‘Smell-Ya-Nuts’?”

You’d think that last name — which, honestly, made me chuckle throughout the day — would have been as much as I could expect from poorly though-out emails, but then this popped in just moments later.

You hear that? It’s a good, old-fashioned third grade shoot-out. It’s scheduled for February 21 and 22. The deadline to sign up is Fabruary 6, however. And by deadline, I mean the curious word deadling, which doesn’t do much to allay my concerns about a bunch of eight-year-olds in a 24-way Mexican standoff, each just a hair trigger away from reenacting a scene from Face/Off.

Spam, don’t ever stop. You make email worth checking.


  1. That's Why Smell-Ya-Nuts to you, buddy. (For if any name needed a middle initial, since there are so many famed nut smellers out there.)

  2. Didn't even notice that "Y" there. Really, you'd think she'd do anything to make her name less distinctive.