Monday, January 19, 2009

An Open Letter to the Little Girl Who Slept Through the Obama Inauguration Concert

Dear Little Girl,

I hope you’re happy. You’ve ruined Barack Obama’s presidency before it even started.


Sure, you probably feel like konking out for the entire performance was justified. After all, you were sleepy. You had to wake up extra early in the morning to put on your pink little suit and then organize the concert.

Oh wait. Someone else organized the concert. You didn’t do anything. Because you’re, like, seven or something.

All you had to do was sit there, pretending to be attentive and quietly endorsing the notion that this event truly was one united by a sense of hope and equality. But no. You didn’t do this. You just sat there, slumped over, with your mouth hanging open, ruining almost every shot that photographers and videographers tried to take of Obama enjoying the event with his family, valiantly trying to pretend that some little stinker in the row behind him hadn’t already ruined the whole day.

In all seriousness, Obama’s public persona will likely never recover from this insult. Any attempt he makes in the future to bring our nation together and solve its problems has been preemptively undercut by the specter of your unconscious face. It mocks us. It says, “Who needs this? This is lame. I’m seven. I need juice. My mouth is dry because I let it hang open for three hours in 40-degree weather.”

Yes, I’ll admit that the concert itself wasn’t perfect. As far as public representations of racial diversity go, this one could have made a better effort to include people who were neither African-American or Caucasian in prominent roles. (You may or may not be aware of this, as you were asleep and your parents probably didn’t tell you because they are so mad at you right now. SO MAD, YOUNG LADY!) I mean, the only on-stage pair who both represented other races was Kal Penn and George Lopez, which leads me to believe that someone who invite speakers to the event doesn’t know very many Asian or Hispanic people. This was counterbalanced somewhat by Tiger Woods, who brings a whole new level of diversity to any event he attends, of course, but this itself was spoiled by the inexplicable decision to have Garth Brooks sing “Shout,” which couldn’t have less to do with America.

All this is no matter, however, because your obvious disinterest is the one thing that we took away. As all the major write-ups of the event had noted, you, little girl, were all anybody noticed.

Needless to say, when other countries buy the Statue of Liberty and turn her into a electronic billboard that notifies all passers-by of how much more their currencies are worth in comparison to the American dollar, I’ll think of you and wonder if you’re happy now.

Thanks for nothing,

A final note outside the sarcasm brackets: Seriously, in twenty years when this girl’s parents show her the photos proving that she napped through the first installment of one of America’s most historically important inaugurations, she will be so embarrassed, even if she is Obama’s niece and especially if she grows up to love the work of Stevie Wonder.


  1. “Shout,” which couldn’t have less to do with America

    I'm not so sure. I think it was our foreign policy the past 8 years. There is a line about pummeling in that song too, no?

  2. Oh, and for tomorrow will you rename the blog Barack of the Ceral Box?

  3. She looks three to me.

    But to jump on the bandwagon, she's going to be so embarrassed when she learns to be ashamed of herself. Her parents are NEVER gonna let this one go.

    "M-om! I want to go out!"
    "Oh no, young lady, you slept through a concert for the 44th President!"

  4. Anonymous4:13 PM

    That little girl is Obama's niece and she travelled half way around the world to be there. She has a right to a little jetlag during a long concert in the cold for a 4 yr old. I'm sure she'll get over it.

  5. Anonymous5:07 PM

    How petty and empty your life must be. I suppose you never remember falling asleep in your parent's arms when you were that age, sad if you don't because there is no more peaceful or deeper feeling of security than that of parent holding you as you slide into a gentle sleep.

    You may think the "intersection of your life and pop culture" is worth writing about --- but it's not anything worth reading. Rather being "full of words" as you suggest you are... I would offer that you are more likely full of shit.

    Leave the girl alone.

  6. Anonymous5:27 PM

    i found this when i tried to find out how the girl was by googling her. this was hilarious. also, seriously, her parents should have figured that she would have been on tv and and least tried to close her mouth. but do we know if she's really barack's niece?

  7. Anonymous5:58 PM

    awkward facts that that anonymous commenter doesnt realize: drew's parents don't have arms

    -- and --

    drew doesn't ever sleep he just writes (or rather "spews") horrible vitriolic polemic blogs about things that are totally crucial and worthy of strong reactions. I have challenged him to many duels for the honor of his blog entry topics (rather, "targets") and in one of them he shot me in the spine, and now I don't have arms either.

    awkward opinion: the most peaceful and deep sense of security I have ever felt while sliding into a gentle sleep involved resting secure in the knowledge that I have never once called someone's life "petty and empty" in an anonymous blog comment.

    ...wait. oops!

  8. Anonymous6:21 PM

    Sorry about Drew's parents -- honey could you hold the baby? Sure.... damn it I dropped him on the floor again. That explains a lot.

    Oh and "Spence" is full disclosure right -- no wait that's just anonymous spelled differently.

  9. i was laughing hysterically as I ready your blog and THEN I got to the comment section... my sides ache from laughter. "Anonymous" is all sorts of crazy fun. And Spencer's response to her was nothing short of day-making. funny stuff guys.

  10. Oh Drew. Please never change. Sometimes these comments just make my day. I love people who are perfectly happy to spew their opinion, but afraid to leave their name.

    This is a fun blog, if you lack humor or a sense of fun, you can go find a stuffy blog, possibly a very conservative republican's will do you better? Have fun reading about stock reports and "winning" the war on terrorism, Mr./Ms Annon silly person.