I, Cigarette

Not exactly the way I’d like to begin any new year — much less what I hope to be a good year on the tail of a less-than-good year — but it has bothered me nonetheless: this comment, apropos of nothing, asking if I was “like a fag or what?” Not appreciated nor really understood. Really, what does this statement mean, necessarily?

Some possible interpretations to the question “Are you like a fag or what?”

1. “Are you, like, a fag?” — with the “like” being the typical, meaningless valleyspeak interjection.
2. “Are you like a fag?” — with the non-empty meaning of “like” and with the question itself meaning “Do I exhibit some qualities associated with fags?”
3. “Are you a fag or are you not a fag?” — with the “or what” at the end changing the question to ask instead if I am a fag or am I something else, which seems too open-ended to ask in the first place.
4. “Are you like a cigarette?” — with the British interpretation of the word “fag” and the apparent curiosity about whether I exhibit qualities associated with cigarettes.
5. “Are you, like, a cigarette?” — with the valleyspeak “like” and the apparent curiosity about whether I am, in fact, a cigarette.
6. “Are you a cigarette or are you not a cigarette?” — which, again, seems too open-ended to ask.

Like I said, I’m not incredibly happy about the comment — and not only because I found it as indirect as all hell — but I feel obligated to respond. So I’m choosing to answer the fifth of my interpretations: Am I a cigarette? The answer: No. But I can see where you might think I am. Like cigarettes, I too am white, generally skinny and full of brown stuff. As I am used up, so to speak, the top of me will turn gray. And, like a cigarette, I too will get shorter as I near the end of my life.

I hope this clears up any confusion. Jerk.