Sunday, January 04, 2009

I, Cigarette

Not exactly the way I’d like to begin any new year — much less what I hope to be a good year on the tail of a less-than-good year — but it has bothered me nonetheless: this comment, apropos of nothing, asking if I was “like a fag or what?” Not appreciated nor really understood. Really, what does this statement mean, necessarily?

Some possible interpretations to the question “Are you like a fag or what?”
  1. “Are you, like, a fag?” — with the “like” being the typical, meaningless valleyspeak interjection.
  2. “Are you like a fag?” — with the non-empty meaning of “like” and with the question itself meaning “Do I exhibit some qualities associated with fags?”
  3. “Are you a fag or are you not a fag?” — with the “or what” at the end changing the question to ask instead if I am a fag or am I something else, which seems too open-ended to ask in the first place.
  4. “Are you like a cigarette?” — with the British interpretation of the word “fag” and the apparent curiosity about whether I exhibit qualities associated with cigarettes.
  5. “Are you, like, a cigarette?” — with the valleyspeak “like” and the apparent curiosity about whether I am, in fact, a cigarette.
  6. “Are you a cigarette or are you not a cigarette?” — which, again, seems too open-ended to ask.
Like I said, I’m not incredibly happy about the comment — and not only because I found it as indirect as all hell — but I feel obligated to respond. So I’m choosing to answer the fifth of my interpretations: Am I a cigarette? The answer: No. But I can see where you might think I am. Like cigarettes, I too am white, generally skinny and full of brown stuff. As I am used up, so to speak, the top of me will turn gray. And, like a cigarette, I too will get shorter as I near the end of my life.

I hope this clears up any confusion. Jerk.


  1. We both have had to confront retards recently. Lovely.

  2. For real. But congrats on your first piece of idiotic hate mail. You're a real blogger now. There will be more, of course, and they will be just as misspelled and poorly thought-out.

  3. Anonymous8:42 PM

    Although we certainly don't get as much traffic as Back of the Cereal Box, disabling anonymous comments has (thus far) prevented any assholish comments here. It doesn't seem to have done anything to prevent SPAM bots, sadly, but those aren't quite so bad.

    In any case, nice handling of what is essentially pointless and strangely vindictive nonsense.

  4. Anonymous5:20 PM

    I wish people would ask me more often whether I am or am not, in fact, a cigarette.

    On a mildly related note, there was an anti-smoking ad in my Hello! magazine last week that loudly proclaimed, "Kill the fags!" in very, very bold letters. Cheeky or just oblivious, I'm not sure which.