Thursday, November 13, 2008

An Open Letter to Jane Seymour

Dear Jane,

Hi! It’s been so long since you were on that show about the pioneer lady that aired when I was a kid but I never watched because my house didn’t get CBS. Full disclosure: If It wasn’t for the fact that I saw Live and Let Die on TNT a few years ago, I’d probably still confuse you with Roma Downey. That being said, I hear that you’ve taken to designing jewelry now. How great for you! But I have a question about the shape you have chosen to market: the “open hearts.”

Yes, you’ve found quite a catchphrase in “If your heart is open, love will always find its way in.” However, I’m somewhat concerned by the fact that the pieces of jewelry — which do, I’ll admit, look like two connected hearts that are quite literally open — also bear a resemblance to the naked female form. And, by that, I mean some odd impossible shape of the nude female form in which both the buttocks and the bosom are simultaneously displayed in full.

The below watercolors, which I believe you did, illustrate this tendency a little more blatantly, perhaps because you did them in red.

This being said, Jane, I’d like to reiterate that I’m very happy for your new career in the jewelry business. However, if you want to make something that people would feel comfortable giving, say, to their mothers for, say, Christmas, then perhaps it would be beneficial to evoke buttocks and bosoms less. I myself will not be giving buying anything from the Open Hearts collection this Christmas, but that has more to do with the fact that I am poor and that, as I said earlier, we didn’t have CBS and my mother therefore has less reason to know who you are.

Best of luck!

Drew Mackie

Previous open letters:


  1. I think it looks like a snake.

  2. Anonymous8:50 AM

    I think it looks like a 2.

  3. I thought snake, too. A majorly effed-up snake, though.

  4. If this is supposed to be a nude woman, she has an enormous butt and a spine in bad need of a back brace.

  5. I think it looks a little like a swan. Maybe it's a Rorschach test.

    And hey, wasn't Jane Seymour the third wife of Henry VIII?

  6. Yes, Jane Seymour was one of Henry VIII's wives. In fact, the Wikipedia page for "Jane Seymour" defaults to that Jane, not the Dr. Quinn Jane.

    It kind of makes me wonder what the current Jane Seymour would have to do in her life to take the default spot from dead Jane.

  7. Anonymous10:32 PM

    i think it looks like two butts.

  8. Anonymous2:25 PM

    Tamil letter ai. Maybe its just me.

  9. Anonymous3:30 PM

    I want a tattoo like this. Just sayinnn

  10. Anonymous7:15 PM

    Looks like balls.