Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Thursday Night, I Think I'm Pregnant Again

Dina: drew drew drew
me: dina dina dina… weena
Dina: 8 pounds of me is skin!
me: ah! oh no! what happened? did you take a skin thickener?
Dina: To estimate the weight of your skin, divide your weight by 16.
me: and then what?
Dina: and then you find out that you're covered in skin. just covered in it. 8 pounds of skin. on a small frame i know i have a small frame
me: in places
Dina: “To determine the size of your frame, wrap a dollar bill around your wrist. If the ends of the bill touch, you have a small frame. If there's a finger's width or less between them, you have a medium frame. Anything more than a finger's width and you have a large frame.”
me: how scientific is all this?
Dina: it's not. it's the best website ever. http://rulesofthumb.org. i am highly engrossed
me: oh? can anyone make these up?
Dina: presumably. are you going to dilute my fun with all kinds of shenanigans?
me: like, to find out how large your brain is, stick your hand in your mouth and pull the corners apart with your thumb and pinkie. that distance, cubed, times pi, is roughly equal to the volume of your brain
Dina: yes. of course. but only if you put it on the internet. that's how we know it's true. “According to an authority at the University of California, the continental drift is such that Los Angeles is moving north toward San Francisco at about the rate your fingernails grow.” now that is compelling, i tell you
me: "an authority"? dina, nexus style wouldn't permit that. that's shitweasel talk
Dina: but look at all this skin i have
me: dina, i have seen a good deal of your skin
Dina: indeed. lets not speak of it. instead - why don't we test out this? “You can check the fit of new pants without trying them on. With the top of the pants closed and the button snapped, the waistband should just wrap around your neck.” i'm going to strangle myself with my own pants in the name of science
me: but what if the pants are spandex?
Dina: aha! that one's true. just tried it. i'm going to be the coolest shopper ever. “give me those pants, shop-girl. i must try them around my neck.”
me: you will look like a lunatic, like somebody that doesn't understand pants
Dina: or FOREIGN, which is almost as good
me: clerks will say "ma'am, that's not a shirt"
Dina: and then i'll tell them how much skin they have. “and when ants travel in a straight line, expect rain. When they scatter, expect fair weather.”
me: sweet. screw weather.com. i'll go look at ants. i hope we have sugar in the house. what if you stand on the anthill and they swarm. what then, dina?
Dina: hang on, let me find an appropriate rule of thumb for the situation. ok, so lets pretend that instead of ants.
me: i like pretending!
Dina: we were talking about polar bears. “If a polar bear charges you, dodge to the right. Eskimos say most polar bears are left-pawed.”
Dina: this will come in handy if ever we visit the san francisco zoo
me: and we should totally trust them
me: but what kind of weather does that indicate? is blood-spattering a weather?
Dina: yes. everyone knows that. you're so stupid, drew
me: i know, i know. dumb ol' dunderhead. dumb though i am, i do know that if your hand is longer than your face, you'll get cancer and die. you should try it
Dina: sweet
me: though this joke doesn't work so well long distance
Dina: no cancer face here. and no smacking my cancer face either
me: cancer-free face, dina. wear it proudly


  1. Anonymous2:28 PM

    I can't believe you left out our extensive discussion of mongoloids. Also, how awesome is the neti pot.

  2. Wow I just laughed out loud too many times to seem in my right mind to the people around me. thats hilarious.

    you have a neti pot too?

  3. No neti pot for me. Dina sent me the video, because it's funny. Dina may or may not have one. I can't help but to question whether the equivalent of nose douche can be healthy and safe.