Thursday, January 17, 2008

Raw Egg Biscuit Factory

A post at PopSucker pointed me in the direction of a now-defunct website that once offered a collection of quotes from right-leaning message boards. Browsers could even rank the selected comments between one ("meh") and five ("fundie!") based on the deduced likelihood that the quoted person was, in fact, a Bible-thumping fundamentalist whackjob. I'm tempted to say that the quotes strain plausibility, but upon the recent revelation that a friend knows a woman who doesn't believe in dinosaurs in spite of the fact that she works as an elementary school principal and could conceivably have to take children on a field trip to a museum that displays dinosaur bones, I ready to believe that fundamentalists would start worshipping GOB if a printing error somehow misspelled each instance of their bearded and decidedly male deity's name.

One of the alleged comments stood out, and I'm reprinting it here because it I think everybody should cast their friends in small-scale dramatic readings of it. Way fun. The skit is titled "Atheists as a Majority." The misspelling of "atheist" is the fault of whoever originally wrote this.
This is what it would be like, if the majority of people were athiests.
ATHIEST KID: Mom, I'm going to go fuck a hooker.
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, son.
ATHIEST KID: Afterwards, I'm going to go smoke pot with my friends, since it's "not addictive."
ATHIEST MOM: Okay, come home soon!
The athiest kid leaves the room. The father comes home from work several minutes later.
ATHIEST MOM: Hi, honey! I'm pregnant again. I guess I'll just get another abortion, since "fetuses don't count as human life."
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, get as many abortions as you want!
ATHIEST MOM: Oh, and don't go in the bedroom.
ATHIEST MOM: There are two gay men fucking eachother in there.
ATHIEST DAD: Why are they here?
ATHIEST MOM: I wanted to watch them do it for awhile. They just aren't finished yet.
ATHIEST DAD: Okay, that's fine with me!
Suddenly, their neighbor runs into the house.
ATHIEST NEIGHBOR: Come quick, there's a Christian outside!
ATHIEST MOM: We'll be right there!
The athiest couple quickly put on a pair of black robes and hoods. They then exit the house, and run into the street, where a Christian is nailed to a large, wooden X. He is being burned alive. A crowd of athiests stand around him, all wearing black robes and hoods.
RANDOM ATHIEST: Damn you, Christian! We hate you! We claim to be tolerant of all religions. But we really hate your's! That's because we athiests are hypocritical like that! Die, Christian!
Isn't that great? The script does present a few problems, however. The scene with the burning X would make this all a little expensive to stage, I feel. And the sudden change in the mother's demeanor bothers me. She brought the sodomites into her house so she could watch them, but she's so quick to leave to watch the execution of the Christian. Are we supposed to believe that athiests like Christian death more than perversion?

This comment, at least, seems to have not been posted as a joke, at least based on its original context.


  1. Anonymous7:52 PM

    That does it. I'm switching to Shinto.

  2. Anonymous4:44 PM

    I wonder if the two gay men fucking "eachother" in the bathroom take a break from making out to put on their black robes and go burn the Christian too? Or maybe they go out--as is--and fuck in front of the burning "X" to add to his punishment?
    My boss told me that the dinosaurs off the 15 freeway (which I'm sure you've seen on the way to Coachella) were bought by some fundamentalists and turned into part of an intelligent design exhibit. Fun, eh?