Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Marion Barfs

It hurts, but at some point a guy has to look at at his entire digital music collection on iTunes and tell the songs at the bottom of the most played list that their time has come.

"Songs," I say, "I know my iPod has room for, like, two thousand more of you, but you guys at the bottom have to go. I'm tired of you coming on in random mixes and causing me to question my taste in music, and I'm even more annoyed when you decide to play yourself at the office, causing my co-workers to question my taste in music as well. I understand that some of you are really, really famous songs, but you have to see it my way: You're so overplayed that I'm sick to death of hearing you and can probably cruise through the next few decades without missing you. I hear you enough at the Gap and in commercials and sometimes in commercials for the Gap. As such, there's no room for you here. Others of you I have no memory of ever downloading. I either blame alcohol, which sometimes drives me to make poor choices, or mixes and samplers which I accidentally loaded in full when I should have only admitted one or two tracks. To all of you departed songs, I say goodbye today. Good luck on the iPods of less discerning people."

The following songs are among the roughly two hundred that, as of tonight, have been deleted from my iTunes, my iPod, my hard drive and hopefully my life. When possible, I explain how the song came into my life or why it had to go.
  • The entire collection of songs by Aphex Twin
  • The Beatles, "Michelle" (a girl I used to work with named Michelle hummed it incessantly)
  • Billy Joel, "We Didn't Start the Fire"
  • Bjork, "Declare Independence" (Coachella sampler)
  • Beck, "Nausea"
  • Billy Idol, "Dancing With Myself" (80s dance party at the Pasado House, junior year)
  • Bloodhound Gang, "I Hope You Die" (I once burned a "hate mix" for a roommate)
  • Cher, "Bang Bang" (wanted to hear how much worse it was than the Nancy Sinatra cover)
  • Cab Calloway, "Minnie the Moocher" (Amy Sedaris recommended it in an interview)
  • Damien Rice, "The Blower's Daughter"
  • The entire collection of songs by The Darkness
  • Donovan, "Riki Tiki Tavi" (my previous iPod loved it and played it constantly in reckless defiance of the rules of the "shuffle" function)
  • Echo and the Bunnymen, "Bring on the Dancing Horses" (associate it with a bad subleaser)
  • The Eagles, "Hotel California"
  • The Eurythmics, "Sweet Dreams" (recently began associating it with a bad Tori Spelling TV movie)
  • The entire collection of songs by The Faint (shrooms at Coachella ruined the band for me)
  • The Flaming Lips, "She Don't Use Jelly"
  • Filter, "Hey Man Nice Shot"
  • Fuel, "Sunburn" (was in Scream 3 and I downloaded it before I realized how much Fuel sucks)
  • The Guess Who, "American Woman" (Lenny Kravitz ruined it)
  • Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit" (tired of hearing it literally every documentary, movie or commercial involving the 60s)
  • Kronos Quartet, "Marion Barfs"
  • Lords of Acid, "Am I Sexy?"
  • The entire collection of songs by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
  • Michael Jackson, "Ben" (too creepy)
  • Michelle Branch, "Everywhere"
  • Moby, "We Are All Made of Stars" (a bad phase)
  • The entire collection of songs by The Offspring
  • Oingo Boingo, "Weird Science"
  • Prince, "When Doves Cry"
  • Queen, "Another One Bits the Dust" (will here it from a bar jukebox often enough)
  • The entire collection of songs by Saint Germain
  • Scissor Sisters, "Filthy/Gorgeous" (I overplayed it)
  • Soul Coughing, "Super Bon Bon"
  • Talking Heads, "Same As It Ever Was" (I legitimately detest this song and don't know why I have it)
  • The theme to Speed Racer
  • Nearly all of the songs by Weezer, save for a few from The Blue Album ("Beverly Hills" cause a rift between Weezer and me, and we never got past that)
  • And all but the Kate Moss cover of "Some Velvet Morning"
Kiss them goodbye.

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