Monday, November 20, 2006

Reviews of My Most Recent Netflix Conquests, Expressed in Haiku Again

I can't believe it's been a year since the last time I detailed what I've watched through Netflix. Granted, with the whole NZ/OZ thing, it's been a slow year — by which I mean a busy year — but I've scored some fairly good cinematic experiences in my brief bits of down time. Like last time, the films worth viewing are linked.
Fear No Evil
Schlock, for the most part.
The worst: a kid get killed by
A lethal dodgeball.

Troop Beverly Hills
How can somebody
Be so heart-breakingly pert?
Choo! Choo! Shelley Long.

Eyes of Laura Mars
Even chased by a
Killer, Faye Dunaway still
Acts like a huge bitch.

Steel Magnolias
It’s embarrassing
That I cared so much about
Someone named “Truvy.”

Daria: Is It College Yet?
After all these years,
It’s good to see Daria
Escaping high school.

Beyond the Valley of the DollsI bordered on bored
Until heads started rolling
Off of their bodies.

Manderlay

So much white guilt, Lars.
But Bryce Dallas Howard sure
Ain’t Nicole Kidman.

Reefer Madness: The Musical
Why did a singing,
Dancing Kristen Bell somehow
Come off as charmless?

Valley of the Dolls
Nowhere near as great
As reputed. Sharon Tate
Sure looked goon on screen.

American Graffiti
Funny how young Ron
Howard made me nostalgic
For Modesto. Fonz?

JunebugOh, Amy Adams —
So proud you pulled an Oscar
Nom. Be my best friend?

Airport
Good, I suppose. I
Just thought this one was the one
With Charo in it.

Kiki’s Delivery Service
I will never outgrow
Miyazaki, even if
I watch him alone.

The Wicker Man
Atmospheric, slow
But probably better than
the remake, I’ll bet.

The Gumball Rally
Honestly, I just
wanted to see Joanne Nail
Of “Switchblade Sisters”

PersonaEven having seen
“Mulholland Drive” twelve times, I
Was utterly lost.

A History of ViolenceA decent thriller,
With nice subtext that
Justified the violence.

The Devil’s RejectsWho would have thought that
Rob Zombie’s follow-up would
Have been so damn good?

Happy Birthday to Me
IMDb was
Right — the ending doesn't make
Any sense at all.

Death Race 2000
Bam bam — I ran them
Down. David Carradine looked
Creepy even then.

Isla, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheeks
Sure, Isla’s head was
Blown off in the first one. Why
Not make a sequel?

Arlington Road
Joan Cusack can be
So evil when she wants to
Be. Spoiled twist ending.

Blow
Finally having
Seen this film, I still can’t stand
“Blinded by the Light.”

DogvilleBest line in the film:
“I owe her that much.” Dogville
Is America?

Funny Games
Yikes. Now I feel I
was held hostage in a home
Invasion nightmare.

The Five ObstructionsLars Von Trier, you’re such
A dick, so why can’t I stop
Watching your movies?

What’s the Matter With Helen?I’d say that Helen’s
Problem was being played by
Miss Shelley Winters.

Whoever Slew Auntie Roo?Shelley Winters again.
Guess she liked movie scripts whose
Titles posed questions.

12 Monkeys
Turns out that “La Jetee,”
Which was boring, was better
Than this mess. Brad Pitt!

Martin & Orloff
For some reason, a film
Based on my favorite sketch
comedy group sucked.

PalindromesGood all-around, but
The best part was finding out
Dawn Wiener offed herself.

Murder on the Orient ExpressSo good! A spoiler:
The killer is who you think
And not who you think.

Die Mommie DieA twist ending, but
I called it twenty minutes
Before. Campy fun.

The Dreamers
Fun city. Sweet house.
I want to run around France,
Watching old movies.

Edge of Seventeen
Dear Netflix, you sent
Me this by mistake. Now I
Want my two hours back.

Y Tu Mama Tambien
Mad sexy. It would
Have been better if I saw
It in theaters.

Play Misty for Me

Jessica Walter —
The mom from “Arrested” — is
So fucking scary.

Contempt
Pretty, French and so strange.
I still don’t know why Brigitte
Bardot had to die.

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