Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Burkina Faso? Disputed Zone?

Jonathan over at It's a Definite Maybe does some wonderful things, even when he's living in Monaco or Macao or the Maldives or wherever he's living now.

Most recently, he's taken to combating 419 scams. For those of you too lazy or disinterested to click a link, a 419 scam is the type of con game in which a broken English email from Nigeria or Namibia or Nepal or wherever asks that you forward a small bit of money in order to help the writer free up a larger sum of money that he or she will then split with you. Then you give them your credit card number or bank account number and then they buy calf implants and a plasma screen and none of your friend feel bad for you — not even for missing out on getting your own calf implants, which you totally need. (Believe me.)

In his post "Operation 419," Jonathan attempts to avenge me and clogged spam filters alike by actually responding to the emails, in hopes that some of them will actually be written by breathing, broken English-speaking people, and not by the kind of sinister broken English-simulating spam robots you've been reading about lately. What particularly endears Jonathan's war to me is that he is responding strictly with quotes from "The Simpsons" gleaned from the Simpsons Archive website, which boasts complete episode capsules for just about ever installment aired.

An example installment of Jonathan writing to and gradually enraging Mr. Amos Zongo:
Dear Mr. Zongo,

Sorry buddy, you’ve got me confused with Fred Flintstone.

I can give you this telephone, it is shaped like Mary Worth.

Let’s just agree that the commercialization of Christmas is, at best, a mixed blessing.

Now, let’s get down to business. (Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?) Now Amos, I know what you’re thinking. I want to take the pressure off. Now, it doesn’t take a "whiz" to know that you’re looking out for "Number One." Well, listen to me, and you’ll make a big splash very soon.

We’ll plow up our dams, destroy our forests, anything. If there’s a species of animal causing you problems, nosing around your cameras, we’ll have it wiped out.

Leaves of three, let it be. Leaves of four, eat some more!


Wonderful. And it goes on and on like this. Also, Jonathan only has part one posted so far. So if you find it amusing that somebody got someone else to write the sentence "If you are not serious about this transaction stop talking about bees," then I strongly endorse your clicking of the below link to Jonathan's blog.
[ link: right here! this is the link! ]

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