Thursday, May 18, 2006

The Legend of the Jolly Invalid

Some of you have seen the MySpace page I made for my friend Jill. I consider it some of my finest work, and if you haven't yet seen it, then I encourage you do to so now.

In any case, I finally remembered the password for her account tonight and logged in. There, not surprisingly, I found a whole load of unread MySpace messages, friend requests and profile comments. Most notably, I found a message from what I think may be the worst person alive. Allow me to re-create the for you the surge of every bad emotion I had when I read her little note.

What's wrong here?
  1. This little twat has stumbled across FauxJill's profile and decidedly to rudely evaluate Jill's attractiveness in such a manner.
  2. She forgot the apostrophe in "you're" as well.
  3. She used the expression "fuck ugly," which generally shouldn't be used.
  4. Her MySpace handle is "DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME I WON'T BE iGNORED." Note the lower case "i" in the last word. Apple should sue.
  5. She appears to be suffering from some palsy, judging by her default photo.
So I check out her profile to see how this girl is. Her profile, which you can see by clicking here, shows me that more is amiss.
  1. Her MySpace address includes the words "hollister" and "cutie" in conjunction.
  2. She is from Beverly Hills.
  3. She is seventeen years old.
  4. Her background image looks like the recycling bin behind some fashion magazine's printing studio.
  5. Her "heroes" section. Just fucking look at it.
  6. Her interests: "CHiLLEN WiTH MY FRiENDS / LiSTENiNG TO MUSiC / CHiLLEN WiTH MY GiRLS /TALKiNG ON THE PHONE / WATCHiNG MOViES." She should add "idiosyncratic capitalization of the letter 'i'" to the list.
  7. But she likes movies, at least. But what kind of movies? "i LiKE SCARY MOViES, DRAMATiC MOViES, COMEDY MOViES..PRETTY MUCH ANY KiND OF MOViE..." Well fuck! She's a cinema afficianado! She's a regular fucking Lisa Scharwzbaum over here!
  8. Under the section books: "i DONT LiKE READiNG LOL." Funny, I actually hate reading "LOL" as well.
  9. She lists her occupation as "cheerleader."
  10. And, finally, if I'm to believe what I see when I look at her other pictures, she has some dental issues.
I'm sorry. This little trollop — whose name also seems to be Jill — could have just minded her own business and let me have my joke all privately and nice, but she had to make a rude comment. One, notably, that she may not have a right to make. So I had no choice but to add her as a friend. And then add everybody in her top eight. Trashy Teenage Other Jill from Beverly Hills just made a new best friend.

Then I showered and wondered if I felt bad for this poor, stupid girl. Then I realized I didn't. Then I logged back onto MySpace as Jill and contacted everyone on her top eight with the following message:
Oh my god! I'm so looking forward to meeting all y'all. I'm Jill's cousin from Arizona! And yes, my name is also Jill! Your friend Jill was actually named after me!!! People used to tell us we look alike LOL! Anyway, I just think it's swell that you're friends with her. You know, what with her condition and all. She's told me everything about you! I just can't wait until she's out of school so I can drop by and see just how cute you really are! And don't worry. I'm just so excited! Please, write back and tell me more about yourself! And watch out: Because Jill and Jill are hitting the town together!!!
I mean really — she said I shouldn't ignore her.


  1. You just made me snort a piece of almond up my nose in laughter. At work. In my cubicle. Surrounded by silent Asians. I hope you're happy.

  2. Anonymous9:27 PM

    you're awesome.

  3. Who is awesome? Me? Or Dina? The almond?

  4. Anonymous7:04 PM

    you, fool.

  5. Anonymous2:21 AM

    A bit late for commenting, but that may have to kick yjis into the running for your best prank ever.