Thursday, March 02, 2006

Coat Check — This Jacket's Expensive

I have a decent explanation for why "My Humps" is on my iPod. Really.

As if iTunes wasn't already a big enough influence in my life, the service has recently started posting snippets from recent episodes of "Saturday Night Live." Not all of them. Not even the ones you'd like, but some neat odds and ends. It's rather like an odds and ends barrel in the underwear section of a thrift store. They've got a few posted from the episode Scarlett Johansson hosted a few weeks back, including an installment of the recurring "Deep House Dish" sketch. This particular installment has Amy Poehler parodying Allison Goldfrapp — "Why did I Goo-Goo-Google him? / Now I'm through-through-through with him" — and Johansson parodying Fergie, complete with pile-of-spaghetti-and-meatballs hairdo and overblown body image. Both actresses do a good job, but the latter's song, a take-off on "My Humps," had gotten the original stuck in my head, even if I'd actually only heard the full song once, at Tonic, when I was drunk and so was everybody else.


So I downloaded that damned song, if for no other reason than to hear it and exorcise it from my brain. But then I realized how catchy it was and how the lyrics are kind of funny and how I hope to God that those singing legumes had some notion of self-awareness when they wrote it.

It's a lousy defense, I know, but for your mercy I can only offer that I've been running the chorus through my head and have thought of several variations on "My Humps" that could have made the song anywhere from twice as good to a hundred times as good.

My substitute words for Fergie's humps:
  • "my hunch"
  • "my bumps" ("my bumps, my bumps, my purple herpes bumps")
  • "my clumps" ("my clumps, my clumps, my greasy hair clumps")
  • "my mumps" ("my mumps, my mumps, my contagious-agious mumps")
  • "my pumps" ("my pumps, my pumps, my soiled purple pumps")
  • "my stumps" ("my stumps, my stumps, my mangled spangled stumps")
  • and, of course, "my dumps"
This is all I have to offer the world.

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