Friday, January 27, 2006

Even Mountain Dew Has Its Mellow Yellow

All my life, I've had to have an enemy — one person, who more than anybody else, represents the injustice of this world. This person has changed over time from the bitchy, fat friend of the girl I'm dating to the loud girl on my hall to a certain boss to a particularly bad roommate. But they've always been there, in one form or another, making me puff and fume and grit my teeth and shout out in exasperation "What the fuck is wrong with you, you stupid, miserable shit-covered waste of flesh?"


I've been better, recently. I've learned that this practice isn't exactly healthy. After all, if one person truly is responsible for everything I think is wrong in the world, it's probably me. (Well, me or Marcy.) However, in light of my previous post, in which I extolled the joys of the Wikipedia, I feel obligated to discuss a certain individual who, to me, represents everything that can be wrong with a person.

See, in joining the Wikipedia, a person gets the option to make a user page that explains who he is and what he's done for the site. Mine is here. (It's also been in the sidebar for a few months now.) Simple, yes, but it states my case well.

Now there's this guy whose interests overlap with mine just a hair — enough, say, for me to notice him and promptly elect him to the office of "worst person ever." This little fucker edits a few pages I watch, but he does so nonsensically — to the pages' detriment, one might even say. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people who cannot communicate through writing yet persist in attempting to do so. What irks me even more is that his user name is his email address, as if he doesn't know the difference between the two. I sigh. I really do. His name, I believe, is Zach.

The poor edits became a trend and people began yelling at him. He didn't respond. Eventually, his sister posted an apology on her brother's user page explaining that he is retarded and home-schooled — always a winning combination — and that she hadn't realized he knew how to contribute to the Wikipedia. Little Zach got censured and blocked and all that, but it didn't stop him. More poorly thought-out, barely comprehensible edits showed up . Finally, he made his own user page. As if to reveal his lack of understanding to the world, the bio he wrote for himself is terrible — and unintentionally hilarious.

Here, for example, are this kid's musings on his future career. (And please, realize that to grasp the maximum hilarity of this person's writing style, read the italicized parts out loud.)
To my career, what I would do is draw pictures of characters from video games and movies, but they copyright my work and other people should NOT take any of my work without my permission, which is, if people drew their own pictures, you should ask permission and they will decide yes or no. There are over a billion pictures on the Internet that copyright their work.
Here's a selection from his profile section "Movies I've Seen Recently," in which the kid summarizes the plot of "King Kong." (Yes, he actually included that as a section, and yes, I've added nothing to make him appear dumber.)
This movie is about a Gorilla named King Kong (the superstar of the film) and Ann Darrow (the star after King Kong). This version of King Kong is a remake of the 1933 film and the 1976 film. In this movie, Ann Darrow is held captive by King Kong and she becomes stuck with him, for a long time, and is forced to believe in what he wants. When the visitors leave, Ann decided to stay with King Kong, but the people that were going to leave wanted her back with them. Until then, King Kong was captured and sent to Ann's hometown for the drama, Save Me From The Beast!!, where Ann is captured, and must be released, while King Kong is in the chains too, being tied up very tight, and not as loose as Ann. The drama was supposed to last for 2 hours, but it was on for 10 minutes and it totally failed, and the place was getting completely destroyed, and the crowd ended up leaving. And then, King Kong took Ann to go on the ice with him. They were dancing around on the ice, and then the ice ended up cracking into pieces, and the people were banding together to defeat King Kong, but King Kong evaded carrying Ann, and then climbing up to the top of the building, more than 400 floors high. King Kong went to the very top of the building, and when Ann went up to get him, the people in biplanes were shooting King Kong to slaughter him. But then 8 minutes later, it was too late, King Kong died and then Jack Driscoll went to rescue Ann from being stuck with King Kong, and until the very end, Ann overcame King Kong.
The fuck?! It's things like this that piss me off. Large blocks of words that run together in a confusing manner until you finish and realize that you haven't gleaned even a bit of information from what you've just read. Oh, and also: "...Until the very end, Ann overcame King Kong." The fuck?! Did I miss the part where Ann Darrow triumphs over King Kong?

Kid, I know you're powerfully disabled — in fact, I'm hoping you are at this point — and it's, like, a miracle that you've done all this for yourself, however shitty it is. But fuck you. You suck more than you will ever know. (Not saying much, considering you have a limited perception of the world.) You're either too dumb to understand the plot of "King Kong" or translate what you saw into an accurate re-telling. Fuck.

And yes, "slaughter" is the only word the author felt the need to Wiki-link in the entire synopsis.

And what might this child think of his sister, who proclaimed his redtardity to the word?
My sister Mallory is quite mean, and often easily angered, plus she's pretty mean-looking which she looked nicer when she was younger. She is often crabby. She goes out with her friends every day which is a good thing, but I would be more interested in computer and video games.
Oh, Mallory. I feel for you. I'm betting there's a good chance that Mallory is "easily angered" and "mean-looking" and "often crabby" because her brother is fucking retarded and doesn't make any sense. I'm also betting that she goes out with her friends because she's, you know, not retarded.

Zach also writes about the Berenstain Bears books, a childhood memory that both he and I apparently treasure. He remembers the books a little differently, I think.
This series was founded in 1971. The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers is about a book where they read a newspaper about a bear girl who was kidnapped by a stranger, and could have been killed after the cause of being kidnapped. The Berenstain Bears and The Truth is about Brother Bear and Sister Bear playing soccer in the house, while their parents are gone, and then the soccer ball hits the lamp and it fell to the floor with a crash.
How I wish I could say that Zach has a flair for comic parallelism and contrast. This is not the case, I'm fairly sure. Also:, I don't remember any children-cub-types in the Berenstain Bears universe nearly getting their throats slit by strangers.

Zach on Princess Toadstool:
In Super Mario 64, when the 32-bit and 64-bit eras were founded, North America and Europe called her "Princess Peach" for that time and her name will always be that name since Super Mario 64. "Princess Toadstool" in Portuguese is "Princesa Congumelo", although there are over a million Portuguese websites... I've seen that in the Super Mario All-Stars manual, she was listed as just "The Princess". UGH!! Just calling her, "The Princess" is officially erroneous.
Zach on the plot of "Finding Nemo":
During Nemo's captivity, Darla, a mean teenage girl, goes to the aquarium to take Nemo as she is being told as she is one of the ocean-fish killers. Nemo was afraid of her, and as she could not keep him at all, during the fight, the plastic bag flew from her hands and landed in the sink and popped and water spilled all out and when Darla got to the sink, she was about to cry and the water shot into her face, and then Nemo returned into the ocean to escape from Sydney.
Zach lists his dislikes:
School (always receive all the hard work), homework, smoking, tobacco, being teased, being insulted, being yelled at, having privileges taken away.
Privileges like Wikipedia? Being taken away by the Wikipedia? And this is all the more angering because the Wikipedia user page is supposed to be limited to Wikipedia-related stuff. It's not, though little Zach is apparently trying to make it so.

But like all my previous adversaries, my hatred of this kid has almost grown into a game. I guess it's probably obvious that I take some small delight in this child's skewed, jumbled and altogether retarded view on a world full of princesses and mean big sisters and people who get you blocked from writing about Birdo all the time FOR TOTALLY NO GOOD REASON! Feel free to watch his user page yourself, once you've started your own Wikipedia account. Then you too can track his continuing work and degrading mental state.


  1. Anonymous11:38 PM

    drew is bored, lonely, angry, and cruel

    hi drew

  2. Anonymous1:21 AM

    down boy

    -- spence