Friday, November 04, 2005

Reviews of My Most Recent Netflix Conquests, Expressed in Haiku

The films I've 'flixed between now and the end of May. Recommended titles are given links. Those not linked you're better off not knowing about.
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
The whole thing seemed as
Bad as the plays from "Rushmore."
Cool red knit caps, though.
Winsor McCay: The Master Edition
Little Nemo looked
Better when he was running
Down Tom Petty's dream
Terror Train
Screw Jamie Lee. The
Best part is seeing David
Copperfield get stabbed.
The Hours
The avalanche of
Estrogen can't distract
From Nicole Kidman's nose.
Latter Days
Apparently, the
Quick way to chase off Mormons
Is sodomy. Ha.
Band of Outsiders
Black and white crime seems
Very much darker when the
Criminals are French
Heard this was supposed
To be good, but ended up
Checking my email
Man on the Moon
If you think really
Hard, you can remember when
Jim Carey was great.
Speedway Junky
Jonathan Taylor
Thomas deserves hatred, but
Haikus are too short.
Batman & Mr. Freeze: Subzero
Call it good writing
Or geek sympathy: I feel
Bad for Mr. Freeze.
Touch of Evil
Is Charleton Heston
Playing a Mexican? I
Think I’ll blame West Nile.
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Our alien friends
Fly in Christmas ornaments.
The Order: From Cremaster 3
Clean your mouth, kilt man.
Cow ears flop in kickline synch.
Dazzling confusion.
The Baby*
Dress and act like a
Baby, but still fuck Mommy.
”Baby doesn’t talk!”
Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice
Me, moved to tears by
“What the World Needs Now Is Love.”
Hot Dyan Cannon.
My Own Private Idaho
Impressed by River
Phoenix as a hustler and
Keanu as wood.
Prozac Nation
Two hours I won’t get
Back. Now I wish I had a
Prozac for myself.
Doo wop black rebel
Fifties flick with Johnny Depp.
I like Hatchet Face.
The City of Lost Children
Glad the director
Of “Amelie” vented his
Dark side with this dreck.
High Fidelity
Catherine Zeta, Lili
Taylor, Lisa Bonet
And one sassy swede.
In the Realms of the Unreal
The Vivian girls
May have penises, but I
Like them anyway.
Lady Snowblood
Girl power comes with
A sword in hand and pure rage.
O-ren? Is that you?
Graduation Day
I’ll spoil it for you:
They’re hiding the heads under
The bleachers. The end.
Reservoir Dogs
Every time, I put
My hand on my ear. Stuck in
The middle, indeed.
What's Up, Tiger Lily?
Woody Allen is
Never funnier than when
I can’t see his face.
Lady Snowblood: Love Song of Vengeance
Hey — kimono girl!
Why did you forget how to
Be kick ass? Ai-yah!
Dance with the Devil
Rosie Perez, you’re
Surely no Isabella
Rossellini. Yuck.
I Don't Know Jack
When Jack Nance died so
Mysteriously, did he
Go to the Red Room?
The Last of Sheila
Smoke, schemes and suntans
Don’t yet realize that “Sheila”
Is an acronym.
Jungle Holocaust
No blood or gore or
Any holocaust. Just some
Jungle titties.
The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
Ray di Tutti's name
Means “king of everything.” All
Else was lost on me.
Punch-Drunk Love
Was my DVD
Missing the concluding scene?
Resolution, please!
The Secret of N-I-M-H
More adult than the
Cartoons I watch today. Great
Swimming Pool
Look into the pool.
See the all leaves and plotholes?
Worthy nonetheless.
Spider Baby
Psychotics should produce more
Blood than what I saw.
Death on the Nile
Now Olivia
Hussey is my new girlfriend.
All-around charming.
Cat and the Canary
What’s creepier than
An escaped metal patient?
Mad cousin incest.
Strait Jacket
Nice and tense, but how
‘Bout an alternate title:
Drat. I only saw
This because of “Mulholland
Drive.” Noir fades to gray.
Lesbo undertones
Like “Lassie” has canine themes.
Devon Aoki.
*I'm linking to the IMDb site because the film is apparently no longer available on Netflix. Pity.

1 comment:

  1. Accurate reviews...
    In verse no less? If I could,
    I'd make you a "friend."

    Netflix friend, that is. Enjoyed this immensely.