Monday, November 28, 2005

Miss Fresh Face Teen America

Because this blog double-functions as a means of updating readers to the doings of former roommates, this post will concern Brie, also known as Redhead Brie, France Brie or My-Stomach-I-Think-It's-Cancer Brie. Apparently impressed with the faux MySpace profile I made for Jill — add her if you haven't yet — Brie asked me to write her "About me" blurb. I made Jill a Tucson fishwife with an abnormal fixation on Shelley Long and trains. I took Brie in another direction.

Here's the first draft:
About me:

I really can't talk about myself without talking about MY WONDERFUL KIDS!!! I know a lot of people think it's not "cool" to be an unwed mother, but I couldn't be prouder of my six little pet-babies. I have Fifi and Francois and Sherbet and Tickle and Ping-Pong and Cody and they're just my whole life now. KIDS!!! I know, I know. Who would have thought that Brie would be a mom? But I've come a long way from the snaggle-toothed Brentwood girl with condoms in her hair and a dazed expression on her face who eventually became Miss Fresh Face Teen America!!! (Memories!) My cleaning lady Guadalupe and I sure have our hands full!!! Rest assured, I maintained my figure though. I have a way around the whole nine months thing. I mean, those schools barely flinched when I told them I was their aunt, picking them up for the dentist appoinment! Easy as that, and in a few weeks I filled my house with love. And by house, I mean basement. KIDS!!!

Who I'd like to meet:

Why, I really don't need anyone now that I have the love of my family. (Though, to be honest, I am looking for nice barren and/or queer couples looking for their own pet-babies, since Cody's been mouthy lately. He keeps saying "You're not my mama!" and I say "I am too" and he says "No, my mama ain't white!" and I just can't keep punishing him because I'm running out of paper clips. But really, the other five are angels.) KIDS!!!
I thought Brie would surely veto being characterized as a child-stealer, but no. She actually left it mostly intact, according to the newest version of her profile. No intent to sell babies to barren or queer couples, though. Too bad — something about that practice is just too funny to me.

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