Tuesday, July 12, 2005

An Open Letter to Jennifer Connelly

dear ms. connelly,

hi. i saw you in a movie you did that was called "dark water" and i decided after to write this letter. i thought you should know that i spent eight bucks to get into this movie and maybe i think this movie wasn't worth that much. like, maybe four bucks would have been better.

also, i think you should know that i felt bad afterwards as well because the ads for the movie made the movie look a lot better than it actually was. so i think maybe you should either have made mediocre ads for the movie, so i would have known not to see it. or maybe you could have made the movie as good as you made the ads. because, as i stated, the ads looked pretty good.

another thing i think you should have done is maybe told people in the ads that if they have already seen this other movie, "the ring," then maybe they don't have to see "dark water."

and finally, i had a problem with the part in the movie where the little ghost girl wants you to be her ghost mom, and not just because it was like in "ring 2." no, i think if i was a ghost kid i wouldn't want anybody to be my ghost mom. because then i'd have someone yelling at me to eat my ghost vegetables and put of clean ghost clothes. i think i'd be happier living on my own, since as a ghost i wouldn't need anybody to cook for me. but if i did want a ghost mom -- no offense -- i think i'd pick someone older and more mom-like than you. like maybe meryl streep or the mom from "that 70s show" or someone like that.

i hope this letter doesn't make you sad, ms. connelly. i wrote a remarkably similar one to juliana margulies after i saw "ghost ship."

i liked that "dark water" gave something to do for the fat lady from "the practice." i was worried she'd be sitting at home and no one would be calling her. also, i think you seem really nice in interviews and your eyebrows look a lot better now. i like other movies you've been in. "labyrinth," for example. i just think maybe you should make more movies like "labyrinth" and fewer ones like "dark water" -- that is to say, fewer ones like "the ring."

your friend,


  1. Anonymous12:39 AM

    Drew, you are a never-ending source of enjoyable randomness.

  2. Labyrinth!! Jareth the Goblin King! Oh man, is he hot!