Friday, July 08, 2005

Movies You Watch When You're Sick

There are movies that win awards, and movies you enjoy for sheer entertainment value. And then there are movies like "Troll."

After rebounding off "Friday the 13th," "Child's Play" and "Philadelphia, I ended up not caring which channel the TV ended up on. I ended up watching "Troll." Here's the first minute of this 1986 classic: nice, Caucasian family moves into a New York apartment building. Thirty seconds later, their daughter becomes possessed by the evil troll king who lives there.

As the film progresses, no one notices and troll-daughter rampages through the complex and kills the residents in order to turn the building into, and I quote, a "troll kingdom." She also acts like a vicious bitch. Since her possession happens so quickly into the movie that I wasn't clear on the girl's disposition before. Most of the time the daughter looks like a blonde moppet with big eyes — Dakota Fanning styled for 1986. But when she turns on any of her neighbors, she looks like a leather Muppet covered in mucus. Bam — killed you, Sonny Bono and turned you into plant go. Bam — killed you, Julia Louis Dreyfus-with-even-curlier-hair, and turned you into a tree nymph. Only June Lockhart can resist her, becuase she's actually a witch. Or a princess. Or an alien. I forget which. It's really not important.

Eventually, troll-girl's brother — a skinny weiner named Harry Potter, years before that name meant anything — goes into fantasy land, fights the troll and saves his sister.

I'm unclear who this film was meant to appeal to. I watched it because it beamed into the living room at the precise moment I stopped caring about life. I suppose the audience that caught "Troll" in the theaters would have been children whose parents would allow them to watch a movie with mildly scary moments and some truly horrific Muppets. Or adults who either like horror-fantasy adventures or movies that eat shit.

I think I'm ready to leave.