Monday, July 25, 2005

An Extract From the Life of a Scholar

The new Nexus opinion eds — two guys who are, essentially, the successors to my successors — finally got around to picking this upcoming year's sex columnist. I'm happy they chose Spencer's associate/secretary/platonic hickey buddy, Nina. Now the chain of Wednesday Hump sex columnists goes Molly-Sarah-Beth-Huff-Kate-Davareno-Nina, and I like that. Nina was by far the best of the applicants, most of whom were about as sexy as intestinal bloating and half as funny. Just after I found out Nina beat out the rest of the raunch purveyors, I mentally composed a shortlist of column topics — the kind the staff always fears the new Humper will actually use and piss of the readers, the administration and every minority group on campus, thus causing the Nexus to lose all funding and die forever.
  • "getting pregnant: your ticket for unprotected sex"
  • "what could be better than fisting?"
  • "breaking the incest taboo"
  • "ass sex: not just for sodomites"
  • "fingering your roommate while she sleeps"
  • "handy mnemonic systems for remembering the names of your various partners"
  • "so called 'christians' just need to drink more"
  • "condoms are for fags and sailors"
  • "if it looks like cheese and smells like cheese, it probably isn't cheese"
  • "date rape, schmate rape"
  • "yes, mom and dad, if you search for my name and 'blow job' you get a hit now"
I can almost hear future editors-in-chief shaking antacid pills from plastic bottles.

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