Tuesday, April 05, 2005

A Special Moment in One Giant Women's Life

I snagged the text of the two April Fool's articles that I — as Pervis Leftarm — wrote for the Nexposé and I've posted it here, since I wouldn't expect anyone to slog through PDF hell just to read my stuff.
200-Ft. Woman Marries Storke Tower

She came to destroy. But when 200-foot amazon Teresa Kugelstein laid eyes on Storke Tower, the architectural centerpiece of UC Santa Barbara, she heard wedding bells.

“When it’s true love, you just know,” gushed the hulking bride. “I’ve always gone for the strong, silent type, and this is about as strong and silent as you can get.”

The victim of what doctors call “a berserk pituitary gland,” Teresa had been stomping northward though California’s institutes of higher learning, leveling campuses beneath her size 250 stilettos. But as she stepped out from the ocean and spotted Storke Tower on the horizon, she knew she’d be rampaging in the throes of love.

“The way I see it, there’s no reason for all the horror,” she said. “Instead of just stomping this second-rate university flat, I think I’ll settle down here. I’m ready to be Ms. Teresa Kugelstein-Storke. Or Kugelstein-Tower. We haven’t really discussed that one yet.”

When Teresa abandoned her plans for destruction and threw her arms around Storke Tower, the students of UCSB knew they were witnessing a special moment in one giant woman’s life.

“I was coming out of my comm section and I looked up and I was all, ‘Aw, shit! That big lady’s gonna squish me!” said student Lacey Sugarman. “But then she got all freaky with the tower, and I was all, ‘Damn, girl! You finally found love!’”

The National Guard had been deployed to Santa Barbara, as she had already flattened UC San Diego, UCLA and UC Irvine. (Notably missing from this list UC Riverside — “UCSB was the obvious target. No one wants to go to UC Riverside. Not even giant women,” said a National Guard spokesmen.) But when Teresa’s plans for death and malevolence turned to love, they knew not to call in reinforcements — they called a minister! UCSB staff promptly escorted Reverend Albert Meechum to the roof of Storke Tower, where he conducted an impromptu wedding ceremony through a megaphone.

“I’ve married a lot of couples,” Meechum said. “But these kids — they’re the real deal.”

Teresa said she her taste for destruction developed from an unsatisfying love life — but we all hope that will change!

“Dating was hard,” Teresa said. “I’d take out personal ads, but guys would always get scared off when I’d show up and be taller than they were. They tell me, ‘Teresa, it’s hard to see your pretty face with all those clouds in the way.’"

So now that Teresa finally found her man, there’s one question people won’t stop asking her: So how do you guys do it?

“Oh, that’s not a problem,” said Teresa without a hint of shame. “He’s really open to alternatives to sex. There’s a lot of foreplay and a lot of thrusting on my part. And people tend to forget that my pituitary gland made some things… disproportionately big, you know?”

Oh, we know, Teresa! The students of UCSB have become accustomed to seeing Teresa climb atop Storke Tower and pop a squat that they won’t soon forget. Not everyone’s happy about the happy couples’ sex life, however. UCSB maintenance worker Harold Tagalono was cleaning Storke Tower’s bells when Teresa decided to get busy with her hunky husband — and he barely lived to talk about it!

“I saw things people shouldn’t see,” said Harold, who gave an interview from his hospital bed. The marital ruckus shook the tower’s foundation enough that it rocked him right off his ladder. “I sure wish that woman would exhibit a bit of restraint, but what are you gonna do? She can crush you like a grape and I don’t think anyone’s about to tell her what’s for.”

Student Keith O’Keefe had a different perspective.

“I guess you could say she really rung his bells,” he said.

And what does the erstwhile Storke Tower have to say about this marriage business?

“Bing bong. Dong,” said the lucky groom.

In this reporter’s opinion, that’s one small step for man and one giant leap for one giant woman!
And the other one:
Face of Christ Found on Facebook!

It’s the online sensation that’s sweeping the nation — and even God’s getting in on the action!

UCSB students were awed when their daily sweeps of the online community at thefacebook.com revealed the face of Jesus Christ himself! That’s right — apparently the Son of God has jumped on the Facebook bandwagon to help spread the Good Word! Emily Van Pock, a sophomore religious studies major, was the first to spot big J.C.

“I was looking at who was in my History 4A class last quarter and there He was! And then I looked at my other classes, and He was in them, too,” said the devout student. “It’s true what they say — God really is everywhere.”

Jesus' surprise appearance came as no surprise to Father Patrick Kilpatrick, pastor of Isla Vista’s Church of St. Thomas. Kilpatrick said Jesus has a history of popping up wherever he can best reach believers and non-believers alike.

“If you think about it, He shows up where it’s accessible — like in a tortilla. People love tortillas. And people love the Face Book,” Kilpatrick said. “If he can reach students, He’ll be there. That’s what God’s all about.”

But what’s stunned students more than anything else is what Christ has posted in his profile. His favorite movies include obvious titles like “The Passion of the Christ” and “The Ten Commandments,” but also surprises like “Garden State,” “Zoolander” and “Mean Girls.”

“I don’t get it,” said student and Gaucho Christian Fellowship member Pedro Robles. “I’m not one to question God, but ‘Mean Girls’? I don’t know about that. I found that movie trite and poorly written — and I think Jesus should have too.”

Jesus Christ’s posted favorite books, however, include no surprises, as He’s simply listed The Bible. But perhaps what’s puzzled students most is His appearance.

“I know Jesus didn’t look all blonde and blue-eyed and like on of the Beegees, but — I don’t know — I just thought he’d be better looking than what I saw,” said Van Pock. “I always thought Jesus would be divinely hunky. This guy is totally not.”

Student Erin McGill disagreed.

“I think He’s dreamy,” she said of the online Jesus. “I’d be His Mary Magdalene any day.”

Rebekah Kalderdash, a junior chemistry major, said she was steaming over Christ’s picks for “favorite music.”

“I can understand that he wouldn’t put Creed. I mean really — who would? But I can’t believe that the savior of humanity would list Sum 41,” she said. “And he didn’t say anything about ‘Joan of Arcadia,’ either. Maybe I’ll just be Jewish.”

Perhaps the most puzzling of Jesus’ online activity is his creation of a most exclusive Facebook club — “I Died for the Sins of Humanity and Rose Again Three Days Later,” for which He restricted membership to only himself. He’s also joined every group from “Fellowship of Christian Athletes” to “Jesus is My Homeboy.” Time will only tell what history will make of this momentous discovery. Could it one day be appended to the pages of Bible — as the Book of Face?
So I have to ask myself — you know, because I'm lame — if I could have written these articles before Friday. If I'd attempted to write them today, would they come out entirely different? Would the concussion even be the deciding factor?

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