Monday, February 14, 2005

I Shot Cupid and Gave Venus a Venereal Disease

This showed up in the Nexus. That opinion snit Meghan would like to think I wrote it, but did not. Somebody forged my name on some claptap he or she didn't have the guts to sign. So in retaliation, I set fire to Meghan's car.
Nobody Benefits From V-Day Spending but the Economy
Venting on Valentine's

"Be Mine."

"Hot Stuff."

"Let's Kiss."

Until they start making conversation hearts big enough to fit "Can I Buy Your Love With These Chalky, Unpleasant Shitty Candies?" I think I'm going to boycott the big V-Day itself. Today we commemorate the torture, bludgeoning and decapitation of a third-century Christian martyr by exchanging trinkets of affection, buying each other fancy dinners and plastering pastel hearts on our walls. Yes, it's Valentine's Day, a special holiday that allows us to disregard the notions of altruism, family togetherness or friendship that we usually use to justify gift-giving. Instead, we get to be honest and admit that we're just buying stuff to get laid.

That's a bad thing.

Lovers, would-be lovers and the generally amorous shouldn't have to qualify their emotions with an object. Whether it be jewelry or the cheap, "Tiny Toons"-themed cards that I bought and distributed to my third-grade class, such bric-a-brac cheapens the giver, the recipient and the relationship — compromising the very idea of love itself. I'm begging anyone who might shell out for his or her date tonight to think otherwise. If you're lucky enough not to be broken-hearted, don't go out of your way to break yourself. The students of UCSB live in a beautiful section of California, whic allows such simple pleasures as an afternoon in the butterfly groves, a shared 40 on one of Isla Vista's nicer backyard couches or — weather willing — enjoy walk on the beach together. Why not enjoy one of these simple, cheaper pleasures today rather than fighting for reservations at some upscale downtown joint that charges $30 a plate?

St. Valentine died alone and unloved in some dank dungeon. That doesn't mean your Valentine's Day should be spent rotting in jail, but you also shouldn't feel forced to spend money you probably can't afford to spend anyway. Strip away all lace and pink wrapping paper and make your Valentine's Day doing something meaningful. Think about how much more surprised your date would be if you picked another saint's feast day to treat them to dinner. "Put on your good shoes, honey! It's the Feast of St. Barnaby and I'm taking you to Sizzler." I'll bet they don't make a conversation heart for that, either.

Daily Nexus training editor Drew Mackie's goal in life is to create conversation hearts that read: "Let's get tanked in the sack, baby."
And then I guess you could read what she said. If you wanted to.
Quit the Pity Parties — It’s Just Another Day of the Year
Venting on Valentine’s

I am single.

I am single and it’s Valentine’s Day.

I am single, it’s Valentine’s Day, and I’m not angry or sad.

Weird, huh?

Tonight I’m not going to go out to dinner, bury myself in a pint of Starbucks java chip ice or watch “Pretty Woman” with my single girl friends. I’m not going to wear black in protest or curse Hallmark for forcing such a day on society. For me, it’s just another Monday. For others, it’s the worst day of the year — a day for gawking at happy couples and wallowing in self-pity.

Get over yourself. The pity party is over.

It’s not Valentine’s Day that I despise. What I can’t stand is that so many relationshipless people make such a big deal about being single on Valentine’s Day.

I find it unfortunate that so many people allow Valentine’s Day to make them feel miserably single. Sure, having a significant other who cares about you in a way that’s different from how your friends feel about you would be nice. But the fact is that it would be nice the other 364 days of the year, too.

The curtain lifts and the drama queens come out of their dressing rooms when February rolls around. Don’t cry because you’re single; cry because you think being single makes you less worthwhile.

I’m not a bad person because I’m single. And I’m neither depressed nor pathetic because I’m not in a relationship. The only thing that upsets me is the fact that so many people, girls especially, feel the need to be depressed if they’re single on Valentine’s Day.

The difference between Valentine’s Day and any other Hallmark holiday, say Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, is that a person who does not have a parent to share Mother’s Day or Father’s Day with has a legitimate reason to dislike the holiday and feel sad.

No one has a legitimate reason to let Valentine’s Day make him or her feel low. You’re not any more single on the 14th than you are on Feb. 13 or 15.

One day I hope to be struck by Cupid’s arrow and fall ridiculously in love. Maybe then I’ll spend Valentine’s Day the way it’s supposed to be spent - in clichŽd fashion with candles and chocolates and teddy bears. Well, maybe not the teddy bears. Until that day comes, I won’t let Valentine’s Day make me feel any less fabulous than I feel on any other given day throughout the rest of the year.

The only reason Daily Nexus sports editor Lauren Creamer will cry on Valentine’s Day is because Matt Leinart is taken.

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