Saturday, October 16, 2004

Hard Candy

In a decision I can only credit to a building-wide exhaust leak, we all decided that we should go to a midnight showing of a 3-D porno last night. "The Lollipop Girls in Hard Candy." You haven't lived until you and the other members of sold-out theater allow red- and blue-tinted cardboard glasses full you all into thinking John Holmes' penis is ejaculating right at your face.

Honestly, the movie sucked. The sexual content was vanilla at best -- no threesomes, no gay stuff and none of it graphically involving a character named Vera Tight -- and the rest of the "film" was interspersed with a lame sidestory about Trojan soldiers trying to find Troy and in the process dressing up like a chicken, a lobster and the Easter Bunny. It verged into bizarre Monty Python-eqsue absurdity that wasn't funny.

I regret ever supporting the idea to see this shitty film. Yes, we can all now tell people that we've seen a 3-D pornographic feature. But no one should ever have to see that train wreck we witnessed.

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