Friday, April 30, 2004

Two Drews, Times Two

What Drew (I) said:
Cloning Opens Up a New World of Possibilities — In Bed

When they cloned Dolly the lamb, I wasn't impressed. My dad's from New Zealand. I've seen sheep. They're pretty much the same - hooves, wool, pea-sized brain. I hear now they've cloned more animals, like frogs and aardvarks and whatnot. But I'm not impressed, Mr. Scientist.

I want to know when they make the kind of clones everybody's been waiting for: sex clones. That's right — the DNA of the beautiful reincarnated for the purposes of sex. And don't think I'm sick. The minute the possibility of human cloning was raised, half the country scratched their chins thoughtfully and pondered, "How might we use this technology for sex?"

Science could clone us the celebrities who normally wouldn't give us the time of day. Sure, you'd have to dig ol' Jayne Mansfield out of the ground for a DNA sample and then fight her family in court. But people can't inhibit scientific progress forever, especially when a horny American public might want to have sex with their dead relatives.

I realize the logistics of this plan are sketchy. I realize that a successfully cloned Jayne Mansfield or James Dean or John Ritter would take 18 years before it could legally have sex. But I think once science gets to the point of mass human cloning, it will be able to speed the maturation of the clones, allowing them to get sexier faster and then promptly vanish when their novelty wanes.

Perhaps an even more interesting prospect of sex clones would be cloning oneself. Everybody has a narcissistic friend who seems to be in love with his or herself. With self-cloning, they truly could be in love with themselves, once the clone appropriately aged, of course. They could treat themselves to the movies, go dancing with themselves, the whole thing. The after-date activities raise a whole new batch of moral questions - if you have sex with your clone, is it masturbation? Homosexuality? Incest? - but I think we should tackle those issues when the time comes.

And don't say that cloning yourself purely for sexual purposes dehumanizes the clone. If you're screwed-up enough to want to have sex with yourself, chances are the clone that shares 100 percent of your DNA would be all for it too.

Just consider a world of sex clones - sexual exploration the likes of which humanity has never seen before, a dead celebrity for every family and the chance to see what your own butt looks like. Isn't that a world you want to live in?

Drew Mxxxxx is the
Daily Nexus opinion editor — and a different person than Drew Atkins.
What the other Drew said:
Hello Dolly! We Should Nip This Cloning Smut in the Bud

When I sleep at night I dream of a sanitary future, full of shiny uniforms and cars that fly. There are cities in the clouds, robot maids, and dolphins coexisting with humans in a civilized manner. I don't dream of freaky clone people turning tricks like Las Vegas streetwalkers. That doesn't sound very sanitary to me, and thus doesn't sound futuristic.

The scientific community, drunk as it is with power, is trying to clone humans at the moment. Upon accomplishing this goal they will program the clones to be sex slaves. Some people claim this is inevitable, possibly mankind's greatest triumph.

I know what you're saying. What could be better than guiltless sex with a fleshy automaton? It would be easy, breezy and fun. Hell! You could go nuts on their ass, do whatever you want!

Not to play party pooper, buster, but you're one sick puppy. Get your head out of the gutter and think about it for a while. Who are people going to clone as sex slaves when the industry gets off the ground? Cute people, that's who. Sexy people - people like the Olsen twins. Everybody loves the Olsen twins. We as a nation watched them grow up on "Full House." Women find them "cute." Men want to have sex with both of them at the same time for weird reasons words can't quite capture.

When the cloning craze starts, everyone is going to want a pair of Olsen twins to psychologically program from birth. Fellas could even breed a Jennifer Lopez or two along with them for variety. Ladies could grow a few Tom Hanks and get some sweet Hanks lovin' every night.

Everybody wins, right? Wrong. You see, there's a package deal that goes along with those celebrities you bend to your perverted will: You also get the nasty dispositions they're genetically programmed to have. Hearts black as the night. Anyone that knows tons of celebrities like I do knows they all hate mankind. All of them, except Justin Timberlake, are very bad, scary people.

I'll grant cloning has its purposes. We could clone soldiers and take over the world. We could grow a few clones to work all the crap jobs or compliment us all the time. Mankind, however, is not rational enough to use them these ways. They will exclusively clone celebrities to have sex with, and after a time these evil, glamorous people will topple civilization and enslave us all.

It's time that we, as a society, open our eyes and recognize scientists for what they are: a grave threat.

Drew Atkins is a
Daily Nexus staff writer — and a different person than Drew Mxxxxx.

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