Sunday, December 28, 2003

Ride the Snake

Ride the snake.
Jimmy Tango: Hi! Do you recognize this tub of crap? That's me, three-and-a-half weeks ago! Since then, I've lost 155 pounds! Yes, you heard me right! I lost 155 pounds in less than three weeks! How did I lose all that gross fat? By combining the miracle of technology with ordinary street junkies! Producing this: Jimmy Tango's Fat Busters! It's this simple: wear my patented vibrating heat-bead suit, then jam an unbelievable amount of pure, raw crystal meth into your system!

You might ask, "Isn't crystal meth illegal?" You bet! But my scientist, Dr. Cody, spends his days in a tin shed deep inside a small canyon outside San Bernadino, constantly altering the scientific formula of a bathtub crank that keeps us one step ahead the law, and keeps you one step ahead of the fat farm! Fatties, here's my promise: wear my vibrating heat beads, while blasting down handfuls of crrystal meth, and you'll drop weight so fast you'll lose your mind! Any questions? You!

Male Audience Member: Jimmy, I like what I hear, but even though I'm not a doctor, it sounds unhealthy. Does the kind of dramatic weight loss you describe have any side effects?

Jimmy Tango: You betcha!

In my case, when I close my eyes, all I see are spiders and snails! My skin is clammy! My mouth is very dry! I think of suicide nonstop! And five minutes ago, I vomited the strangest colors into my stage manager's fanny pack! But you know what? The main side effect is, these days when I'm wearing a blue suit, and I yawn, people don't try to stuff a letter into my mouth!

Get off!! Folks, if you're serious about weight loss, then you shouldn't be afraid to... "Ride The Snake!"
— ride the snake — Now! Let's talk to some of my clients! Hi, Olive Oyl! Have you always been so thin, hmm?

Female Client: No! I used to be a 220-pound land monster! And, in eight days, by "Riding The Snake"
— ride the snake — I lost 124 pounds! I've never had a date in my life, but two days ago, I made out with Scott Baio at a party!

Jimmy, by using your method, I really lost weight fast! Probably too fast! The stress you put on my body made me slip into the bowels of a red nightmare! I sleep in my oven! My hair falls out in clumps! I cry when I see a tree! And I burn symbols into my housepets with a curling iron! But it's worth it, because, these days, when I'm wearing a black jumpsuit, I look like a closed umbrella! Thank you, Jimmy!