Saturday, December 06, 2003

My Beloved Cocksuckasaur

Sure, it's finals, but why study? There's an Al Sharpton-hosted Saturday Night Live on in half an hour and it's too rainy to go outside. I'm so not in the mindset to study that I can even waste my time rating the women of Mario Kart.

Last place: Daisy. Fuck you. I can't believe you can fit so much retardedness in your body. No one else feels the need to repeatedly introduce themselves every time they take the wheel. "Hi! I'm Daisy!" Hi, you're a fucking moron and I hate you. You may have had hot short-shorts in Mario Golf, but now I realize that you suck.

Third place: Toadette. What the fuck? Toadette? I didn't even know Toads had gender, but this Strawberry Shortcake wannabe changes all that. I don't go for midgets with mushrooms growing out of their braids, so I hate you too. But I hate Daisy more, so you get third. Eat me.

Second place: Peach. Ah, Princess Toadstool herself. Beautiful, kind, regal, wise — she's the pinnacle of femininity, really. Plus, she has Barbie-like proportions and she's not an infuriating chatterbox like Daisy. She'd easy snag first place if it wasn't for...

The winner: Birdo. Yes, Birdo is a dinosaur... or something. Yes, she quacks in lieu of speech. Yes, she technically used to be a transvestite, but that apparently never happened now. And yes, she spits eggs out of her mouth. But look at that bazooka beak. With a mouth like that, she must suck cock like nobody's business.

Love of my life? Or a physical manifestation of my willingness to exchange human-to-human romance for a cocksuckasaur?

[ nineteen days ]