Saturday, November 15, 2003

Purple

The Hot Line.
Being purple must suck. As valid as the other five-sixths of the spectrum, it regularly gets the shaft nonetheless. Being split into indigo and violet, for example — totally lame. Not convinced? Purple M&Ms only showed up last year. Purple grapes are called "red grapes." Ever wonder why there was never a purple Power Ranger? Chromatic bigotry, I tell you! Sure, "Purple Haze" rocks and the Purple Heart medal still commands respect, but with this paltry hot line, maybe we can raise purple from its lowly status as a shrinking violet up to pigmental royalty.

Drink of the Week: the Purple Hooter
  • 1/2 oz. vodka
  • 1/2 oz. raspberry liqueur
  • splash 7-Up
Strain from a shaker into a shotglass.
Further proof of the anti-purple bias: this, the sissiest drink ever.

Purple: a History of Persecution
  • Purple as the epitome of lame: Barney the Talking Dinosaur.
  • Purple as pain: titty twister synonym "purple nurple."
  • Purple as potential murderer: Clue suspect Prof. Plum.
  • Purple as carnivore: 1950s hit song "Purple People Eater."
  • Purple as weird fucking monster: Grimace, freakish icon of McDonald's.
  • Purple as sex maniac: Tiny Toons regular Fifi LaFume, hormone-driven slut and the only toon not wearing clothes.
  • Purple as obese greed: Mario Bros. villain Wario.
  • Purple as obese greed, part 2: Willy Wonka patron Violet Beauregard.
  • Purple as pansy: Tinky-Winky, purse-toting Teletubbie.
  • Purple as gross vegetation: the eggplant.