Saturday, May 17, 2003

More Than Just Olives!

Well, the earlier entry notwithstanding, it’s not all glower and gloom.

Jill and I took a daytrip Friday to the universal center of lame, a sprawling craft fair of a town called Solvang. The Solvangites, who pride themselves on being the keepers of a history-spanning tradition of lame, made me wish the Danish had been the long persecuted people of history instead of the Jews. You know you’re in trouble when you can’t remember which quilting store you parked next to. Betty’s Quits. Quilts of Denmark. Country Quilts. Quiltorama. Quilt ‘till You Puke. Okay, one of those was fake. Betty actually owns the crockery shop. I was reminded of those shitty toys older people give you when you were little. You know, the wooden ones that are too nice to actually play with so you put them back in the box and thank them even though you wanted Metroid. You know what I mean? These shops are all over Solvang, purporting to sell toys but actually selling future antique collectibles. Bleh.

And then this one time, me and Jill go into this shop that sells porcelain figurines. We thought we might find, like, Meghan’s birthday present or something. And we did. It was a double-figurine set: a porcelain Hell’s Angel-looking tattooist inking a flaming skull on the back of a naked porcelain biker chick.

Another mistake of the Solvangites is their insistence upon architecturally designed all their buildings in the Danish tradition. No one told them that Danish architecture fucking sucks. No qualification for that: just wanted to shoot it out there. Nail boards to the exterior of your whitewashed home and it looks like you didn't finish building it. Even the garbage cans are painted in the lame ass Danish style. I contemplated stealing one to replace my stolen garbage can, but I decided against it, not through some philanthropic respect of the city council that so thoughtfully painted the bins, but merely because I didn’t want to get caught and have the theft of Danish garbage can on my record.

I can’t wait to get the photos from the trip developed. It’s pretty much the two of us making disgusted faces around some of the more revolting local sites. Thank god we decided not to spend the night.

EDIT 7.1.2006: I finally got around to getting the pictures from this trip online. They're in the post "The Lost Afternoon."