Sunday, February 21, 2016

Six Conversations That Did Not Happen at the Silver Lake Gelson’s

The following dramatic scenes are inspired by real-life events.

Me: Hey, I’m sorry, but do I know you?
Her: Oh, maybe. Do you live around here?
Me: Yeah, but more like I’ve seen you in something…?
Her: I’m an actress. So that’s it, probably.
Me: Cool. What would I know you from?
Her: I was in Showgirls. I was on Murder One for a while. I had a recurring role on Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place.
Me: Maybe it’s one of those.
Her: I was on this one episode of The X-Files
Me: Dr. Bambi Berenbaum!
Her: Yep. I usually don’t lead with that one just because the episode title was—
Me: “War of the Coprophages”!
Her: Yeah, and I don’t really don’t like people’s first association with me being “the sexy cockroach lady.”
Me: “War of the Coprophages” was such a good episode!
Her: Thank you! But still, you know, that word “coprophages.”
Me: Hey, everyone! It’s the sex cockroach lady from The X-Files!
[An excited crowd gathers around.]

Me: Hey, I’m sorry, but do I know you?
Her: Oh, maybe. We went to college together.
Me: Cool! And you recognize me?
Her: Yeah, we were in some of the same art studio classes.
Me: That must be it.
Her: How are you? Do you live in L.A. now?
Me: I do. I’m working as a writer here.
Her: Movies? Or TV?
Me: Neither!
Her: Really? How novel. I did some work as an actress for a while after I moved here, so that’s my frame of reference.
Me: Yeah? Anything I’d know?
Her: Well, I was in this one episode of Fringe where I played a kidnap victim who has her brain removed.
Me: Oh my god! I remember that episode.
Her: Yeah, that was fun. But I’m not acting anymore. I’m more into—
Me: Hey, everyone! It’s the lady who got her brain removed on that one episode of Fringe!
[An excited crowd gathers around.]

Me: Hey, I’m sorry, but do I know you?
Him: Kinda.
Me: Oh, are you an actor?
Him: With looks like these, how could I not be?
Me: Okay, that’s fair. Have you been in anything I’d know?
Him: Probably not. But you may remember me as the attractive guy who was shopping here the day you broke your toilet and came in all disheveled to buy a plunger.
Me: Oh. Yes. I do remember that.
Him: You were trying really hard to make it seem not obvious that you came in to buy a plunger. What else did you buy Hangers? Lightbulbs? It was really funny because the odds that someone would come in here and just buy stuff from the house supplies aisle are really low.
Me: I felt embarrassed.
Him: Because everyone knew you broke your—
Me: Yes, because everyone knew I broke my toilet.
Him: Hey, everyone! It’s that guy who broke his toilet!
[An excited crowd gathers around.]

Me: Hey, I’m sorry, but do I know you?
Her: Oh, maybe. I’m Annabella Sciorra.
Me: Not ringing a bell.
Her: Really? I’ve been in a ton of stuff. The Hand That Rocks the Cradle? I was the mom.
Me: I think that was Annabeth Gish.
Her: No, that was me. I… you know, remember being in it.
Me: What else?
Her: Like, a lot of stuff. I played Gloria on The Sopranos. I was in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams. I was in Cop Land.
Me: I think that was Laura San Giacomo.
Her: No.
Me: Maybe it was Illeana Douglas?
Her: No, it wasn’t.
Me: Oh, I got it. It was Mia Sara.
Her: Those are just other Italian actresses. You’re just naming other Italian women.
Me: I guess it will just be a mystery then!
Her: It’s not.
[I wander away.]
Her: Hey, everyone! It’s the lady from The Hand That Rocks the Cradle!
[An excited crowd looks around for Rebecca De Mornay or Julianne Moore.]

Me: Hey, I’m sorry, but do I know you?
Him: No.
Me: Looks like you’re buying some Imodium there.
Him: Go away.
Me: Wait, are you Ron Perlman?
Him: No.
Me: Are you sure? Because he has a really distinct face.
Him: No, I’m Michael Cudlitz.
Me: No, you’re not. I’ve seen him before. I’m pretty sure you’re Ron Perlman and you’re buying diarrhea medicine.
Him: No.
Me: Hey, everyone! Come over and let’s figure out who this guy is! Whoever he is, he’s buying diarrhea medicine!
[An excited crowd gathers around.]

Me: Hey, I’m sorry, but do I know you?
Her: YEAH. I’M REESE FUCKING WITHERSPOON AND I OWN THIS TOWN.
Me: Oh, god! Ms. Witherspoon, I’m so sorry!
Her: TOO LATE, JERKHOLE!
[Reese Witherspoon scorpion kicks me in the neck. Bystanders are too terrified to help me. I die on the grocery store floor.]


1 comment:

  1. While I'm commenting, you should know that I really liked this post. It was very funny. You are very funny. I like you and I like your dog and I particularly like your dog's nose.

    ReplyDelete