You may remember her as the dog who is an affront to my masculinity and who also was once the victim of a skunk attack. I am watching her for a week because her owner had to go to Venezuela for some weird operation, and I feel I am now an expert in all the facets of this dog’s personality.
You can be one too! Here are all the sides to Matilda.
Winking One Eye and Then the Other
Dozing in High-Foot-Traffic Areas of My Home
Rolling in Dirt
Having a Butterfly Land on Her Head and Completely Shutting Down Emotionally as a Result
Checking Hourly on the One Spot She Once Saw a Cat to See If the Cat Is in That Exact Spot Again
Making Concerned Whimpering Noises That Kind of Sound Like She’s Trying to Say Either Her Name or “Macaroni”
Arbitrarily Refusing to Walk Down Certain Blocks in My Neighborhood
Peeing on the Lawns of People Who Are Currently in Their Front Yards or Otherwise Able to Watch Her Pee on Their Property
“Wait, Is This Food or Not?”
Farts (or, If You Will, Butt-Sighs)
Thrusting Her Head Beneath Your Hands (or Sometimes Feet) in an Effort to Get Pets When You Are Not Actively Petting Her
Running Into the Room Seeming Alarmed, Then Looking Around and Returning From Whence She Came in a Vaguely Disappointed Fashion
Begrudgingly Consenting to Being Held Like a Baby
Leaving Blond Hairs on Black Floors
And that is everything Matilda is. You’re an expert too now.
In closing, a moment of classic Matilda: