Wednesday, November 18, 2015

These Are Emails You Get When You Are a Freelance Writer

“Hi, Drew! I loved your article on Jodi Sweetin, and I’m writing to you with an exciting and exclusive scoop about her cousin, Donita, whose inspirational story of recovering a horrific softball accident would resonate with your readers. Can I schedule a Twitter interview with her? Like, right now?”

“Hi, Drew! I loved your article on Dallas, and I’m writing to you with an exciting and exclusive scoop about Patrick Duffy’s skincare line. Would you be interested writing a piece? Patrick is game to talk so long as all questions are about his skincare line and you don’t make eye contact.”

“Hi, Drew! I loved your article on Betty White, and I’m writing to you with an exciting and exclusive scoop about the Blu-ray re-release of Mama’s Family. Can I interest you an a sit-down interview with Bart and Tipsy, the stepchildren of the series co-creator? They have stories, let me tell you. Some effed-up stuff went down on the set of that show.”

“Hi, Drew! I loved your article on scary movies and I’m writing to you with an exciting and exclusive scoop about a an upcoming film that I think you’ll find scary as well. It’s a documentary titled Abandoned in Alleys: Urban America’s Teenage Pregnancy Crisis. Can I interest you in an interview with the director? She is scathing.”

“Hi, Drew! I loved your article on Wonder Woman, and I’m writing to you with an exciting and exclusive scoop about the ‘original’ Woman Woman herself, Cathy Lee Crosby. Would you want to talk to her? Oh, no reason in particular. She’s just bored and wants someone to talk to.”

“Hi, Drew! I loved your article on Mariah Carey, and I’m writing to you with an exciting and exclusive scoop about Basak Küçük, a.k.a. the Maria Carey of Turkey, whose new album is making a stir among U.S. music fans in very specific circles. Would you be interested in an interview? Basak is parked outside your house and can come in and talk whenever. If no, can she just use your bathroom?”

“Hi, Drew! I loved your article on The Breakfast Club, and I’m writing to you with an exciting and exclusive scoop about a new line of breakfast specials at IHOP that are Breakfast Club-themed. Would you want to interview the Don’t You Forget About Me Scramble? Like, the dish itself? I think it would be funny to make you interview eggs.”

“Hi, Drew! I loved your article on Rosemary’s Baby, and I’m writing to you with an exciting and exclusive scoop about Ruth Gordon. Do you want to interview her? Well, you can’t, you asshole. She’s dead. But if I could kill you and bring her back, I would in a second. Just making sure you knew that.”

“Hi, Drew! I loved your article on ALF, and I’m writing to you with an exciting and exclusive scoop about the ‘real’ Gordon Shumway. No, he’s not an alien! He’s an inmate, and his life story has some exciting parallels with that of the sitcom alien that Americans once fell in love with.”

“Hi, Drew! I love the hilarious gifs you made celebrating the 30th anniversary of The Color Purple. I’m not pitching anything. I just wanted to take the opportunity to point out how you wanted to be a journalist once. Guess how much more money than you I make sending out these pitches? BTW, I found your email address on a message board for publicists. The picture they have for you is SO BAD. LOL.”

1 comment:

  1. I was recently contacted by someone who was giving me "permission to republish" their review of what I think might have been their own product.

    ReplyDelete