Friday, August 15, 2014

My Birdo

I have purchased a Birdo.

birdo plushie

I can’t explain why. It seemed like a sensible use of my Amazon Prime account at the time, but I’m aware that it is so very pink and also so very strange to people who did not grow up spending more time with the Mario Bros. than, say, actual humans.

Here is a list of possible things I can tell people when they ask what the hell this thing is.

“This is something completely normal for a 32-year-old, unmarried man to own.”

“This is, like, the only pink thing I own.”

“This is just where I store my big, red bow.”

“This is an exhibit I’m lobbying for inclusion in the Museum of Intelligent Design.”

“This is a sex toy. I think it’s pretty obvious how it’s used.”

“This is to gay video game-players what those saint candles are to Catholic grandmas.”

“This is a plush version of the most popular transsexual character in video game history.”

“This is something that I would not have let myself own before I stopped caring.”

“This is a thing that shoots non-fertile eggs out of its mouth, and what kind of God would let that happen?”

“This is known in Japan as Catherine. No, really.”

“This is an object that my will shall assign to someone like you, who does not know what it is. And I will give it solely so that the recipient also has to wonder what it is. Now let us never speak of it again.”

“This just showed up one day. I’m actually unclear what it is myself. But isn’t it soft?”

“Cocksuckasaur. COCKSUCKASAUR!”

4 comments:

  1. I considered getting one of these at Nintendo World in New York, but I ended up buying a Magikoopa instead.

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    1. But Magikoopas can't even spit out eggs.

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  2. Anonymous2:56 PM

    I know this is going to sound weird, but I miss when Birdo's snout went flaccid when not spitting eggs. Now it's like s/he has some weird sort of priapism of the face.

    Also for incongruous names of allegedly female thing there's also Jennifer (the one on the far right) from Sunsoft's short-lived Hebereke franchise:

    [img]http://tcrf.net/images/a/ab/Hebereke-title.png[/img]

    (s/he also produces destructive objects from his/her mouth)

    <3

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    1. I think maybe Nintendo was a little grossed out by the animation of her snout stretching out to pass the egg through, you know?

      And oh! I remember this game! But only from screenshots in Nintendo Power when it was planned to be released here at Ufouria. But it was never released here, unless I'm mistaken. Funny what sticks with you.

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