Sunday, May 18, 2014

The Busiest Bosom in the Mushroom Kingdom

The setting: Japan, sometime in 1995.

“Hey, I think we should have a new female character in this Super Mario RPG game we’re making.”

“Oh, that would make sense.”

“Yeah, and maybe she could be a bad guy, because we don’t have many female villains in the series.”

“Sure, sure. That would probably be great.”

“Okay then. I was also thinking that she could have gigantic boobs.”

“Umm…”

“Like, just pendulous mammary sacs that jiggle hilariously when Mario hits her.”

“Umm…”

“Really, her proportions would just be obscene. Huge breasts, a teeny-tiny waist, and a long, flat, football-shaped head. Kind of like Betty Boop’s, but even broader. Like, her head is wider than her shoulders.”

“Okay, so I’m hearing a lot of ideas and—”

“Also, she would have the eyes of Janice from The Muppets.”

“…”

“And she’d also be wearing a parrot on her head, but it’s not dead. Like, in addition to her boobs going into a flan-like movement when struck, the parrot would also cry out in pain.”

“…”

“Like, in lieu of hair. Her hair would be the parrot. Parrot-haired.”

“…”

“Oh, and she’s in an evening dress. And I think it would be cool if she were always carrying a cocktail with her. Because that’s how you know she’s stylish but also a bad girl.”

“…”

“And she’s riding a crescent moon for no apparent reason.”

“…”

“So yeah, I think this would make for a good character. Like, a really popular character that would fit in well with the rest of the Mario crew, and maybe we could see her in the next Mario Kart game, perhaps riding the crescent moon again. I have a feeling she has staying power.”

“…”

“Hey, would she be any weirder than Birdo?”

{fin}

And then against all odds and good sense, Nintendo in 1996 released Super Mario RPG, where Mario fought the female big bad Valentina, giant boobs and all.

valentina boob shake

Her Japanese name is Margarita, which puts her neatly in line with the Mario tradition of female characters being named after things but also identifies her as a drunk. Valentina did not, in fact, appear in the next Mario Kart game nor any Mario game again.

(Sprite modified from sprite rips found here and here.)

Super Mario obscurities, previously:

6 comments:

  1. Anonymous5:47 PM

    Have you seen Pauline lately? Nintendo made her almost as Sofia Vergarrish.

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  2. Anonymous3:10 PM

    There's also Captain Syrup from various Wario Land games. (I imagine her jiggly item shop sprite is gif-ed somewhere on the 'net).

    But Candy Kong really takes the WTF Marioverse cheesecake: http://www.mariowiki.com/File:CandyKong642.png

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  3. I never noticed the bird on her head reacting to hits! I was always distracted by her boobs.

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  4. That is the craziest thing...

    I mean, I always thought she was riding on a banana.

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  5. I'm disgustingly well-acquainted with her and her WTF design...because she was the hardest part of that game for me to get through. Ever. I beat Smithy with no problem, but her. HER! And that damn sidekick of hers! Grr.

    I'd love to see her come back. Smash Bros.

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  6. Don't forget, she's normal-sized, drinkless, and runs around on her feet, right until battle starts. Then she inexplicably turns into... this.

    She's also a political villain who flees when confronted. But I guess since since it's a video game and fighting is the main game mechanic, she turns out to be extremely powerful in battle for no reason when the heroes catch her.

    ReplyDelete