Next Time on American Horror Story

I have to admit that I’m keen enough on this season of American Horror Story that I’m disappointed there won’t be a new episode on tonight. I want to know what happens next, more so than I have for any show I’ve watched in a while. So for a lack of any other options, I just wrote my own. It’s terrible, though I could imagine ninety percent of what I wrote in it actually happening in any given season of American Horror Story.

Yes, Delphine. It’s all lies. I hope it makes you make this face:

Enjoy!

The scene opens precisely where last week’s episode left off: Voodoo queen MARIE LAVEAU (Angela Basset) entering Miss Robichaux’s Academy, seeking the help of FIONA GOODE (Jessica Lange) and her coven only after the mass slayings of Team Voodoo left her with no other options. FIONA beckons MARIE in, and MARIE strides into the center of the foyer.

MARIE

(glancing at the décor) White walls, white carpets, white upholstery, I see. I guess Marie Laveau should not be surprised. 

FIONA

It lacks the earthiness of Cornrow City, I suppose, but in my defense, I had never been to your neighborhood when I decorated this place. Now, let’s talk turkey, Proud Mary. The way I see it, you’re all alone, and you don’t have any time to waste critiquing my home. 

MARIE

That is where you’re wrong, white devil. Marie Laveau has one more trick up her sleeve, you best believe!

FIONA cocks her eyebrow. Just then the front door slams open, and in walks special guest star Alfre Woodard in a headwrap and a plain brown dress.

MARIE

May I introduce you to…. HARRIET TUBMAN? 

FIONA

Oh, just what we need: Someone else stinking up these walls with the very particular odor off… AMERICAN HISTORY. 

MARIE

You hold your tongue, Zbornak. You see, Ms. Tubman did not survive to present day as a result of my voodoo magics. No, she stands before you as a result of… SCIENCE!

Thunder crashes. In a close-up, FIONA cocks her eyebrow. Just then, a panel on HARRIERT TUBMAN’s chest pops open to reveal blinking lights and circuits.

HARRIET TUBMAN

Bleep blorp! Bleep blorp! Destroy all honkies! Destroy all honkies!

FIONA gasps. Just then, NAN runs into the living room.

NAN

Fiona! Fiona! I’m subverting narrative tropes by articulating my sexuality! 

HARRIET TUBMAN

Target identified: caucasian moppet. Must kill without mercy.

HARRIET TUBMAN’s head hinges back, and a rocket launcher emerges from her neck. It fires, and NAN is incinerated on the spot.

FIONA 

Shit. Where’s that swamp witch? (yelling offscreen) Misty! Oh, Misty Day! Get your magic mud ready, because this one is going to be a real fucking jigsaw puzzle!

A mud-spattered, barefoot, overall-clad MISTY DAY enters carrying a bucket of mud.

MISTY

Y’know, I can do other things aside from use my miracle mud to bring dead people back to life. 

FIONA

Oh, just do the mud thing, Hucklberry Quim.

MISTY begrudgingly pours mud on the small charcoal pile that was once NAN. ROBO-TUBMAN, meanwhile, flies about the room using her hoverpack.

FIONA

That was quite the trick, Ms. Laveau. But surely you would have expected us to use the power of resurgence to shore up our numbers as well. May I introduce the whitest, most evil witch-bitches in history?

Doors fly open to reveal the new witches, one by one. First, out steps Shirley Jones in colonial get-up.

BETSY ROSS

Look out, 2013! It’s evil Betsy Ross! Grr!

Next it’s Shelley Long wearing a sensible pantsuit.

GERALDINE FERRARO

I’m former vice-presidential candidate Geraldine Ferraro, and I was a witch the whole time, it turns out. (She winks.)

The third door opens to reveal Hilary Duff, dressed to the 1930s fashion. She does not speak, but simply clutches her abdomen.

FIONA

Go on, girly. Tell them that you’re Bonnie Parker. 

BONNIE PARKER

My… Ugh, my bullet holes really hurt. I don’t think you brought me back right. Should my bullet holes still hurt? 

FIONA

Oh, for God’s sakes.

BONNIE PARKER

I’m just going to sit down for a bit. Let me rest up and I can be a witch.

Up-and-coming witch ZOE races into the room.

ZOE

Everyone, I had a new terrible idea that we should all do! What if we all ate poison?

MARIE and FIONA clearly hate the idea.

ZOE

No, no! Hear me out: If we all eat the poison now, the witch-hunters won’t be able to kills us. It’s the perfect surprise plan.

FIONA cocks her eyebrow.

MARIE

Of all the stupidest… 

ZOE

It’s a bad idea, isn’t it? Oh no! I already ate the poison. 

FIONA

Why would you think that would be a good idea? 

ZOE

Madison said it made sense! 

FIONA

She’s mean when she’s sober. Was she drunk when she encouraged you to take the poison? 

ZOE

Umm…

Cut to MADISON in a separate room, dead, again, just this time from alcohol poisoning.

ZOE

It’s hard to tell when she’s sober. 

MISTY

Everyone! Everyone, hush! Quit you’re fussin’ and fightin’ for a moment. I can feel somethin’ powerful comin’ our way. I sense it from my dirty swamp feet to the nape of my red neck. I’d sound more urgent if I weren’t so folksy. 

MARIE

What you feel, Bayou Billy? 

MISTY

It’s her! She’s coming? 

FIONA

Who, girl? Speak! 

CORDELIA 

(Running into the room) Oh, I feel it too! Yeah, it’s her alright. Um, her. I knew she was coming. (Looking around desperately) Someone acknowledge my worth as a person, please. 

FIONA

Please, Delia, do not interrupt the one who is the obvious heir to my power. Now Misty, you’d better not be talking about Stevie Nicks again. 

MISTY 

(Pointing directly into the camera) No, it’s her!

Roseanne, draped in purple and scarlet straight out of the Book of Revelations, lands her flying convertible in the front yard of Miss Robichaux’s. The car has the license plate “ANTI666.” She steps out and ambles to the front door.

WHORE OF BABYLON

Yeah, yeah — it’s me, the Whore of Babylon or whatever. I’m here to wrap stuff up, I guess. (Looking around the room) Wow, would it kill you broads to get a Y chromosome in here? 

FIONA

It’s The Ultimate! The culmination of all witchery! Why have you come to us now, Your Grace? 

WHORE OF BABYLON

I’m a diva ex machine, I guess you could say. (Checking her notes) Oh, and apparently we’re having another big musical number this season. One! Two! Three! Four!

The entire cast snaps into a well-choreographed performance of “We Are Family,” save for ZOE, who has succumbed to the poison. The song ends with Miss Robichaux’s Academy spontaneously collapsing on top of the entire cast, killing everyone in a spectacular metaphor about the American family or possibly New Orleans. The camera pans over to the disembodied head of DELPHINE LALAURIE, sitting on a tuft of grass. It has managed to outlast everyone else.

DELPHINE’S HEAD

Only I remain to tell this tale of witchery and womanhood. I have learned valuable lessons about how my fellow women are just that, regardless of the color of their skin. But who would listen to a tale told by a two hundred-year-old head without a body? Alas, no one shall, for a hungry-looking Rottweiler is headed my way.

The Rottweiler grabs Delphine’s head by a lock of hair and drags her away.

DELPHINE’S HEAD

Oh, will these indignities ever end? Will I ever die?

As Delphine’s plaintive cries fade, a voiceover by Cicely Tyson begins: “Yes, Delphine did eventually die somewhere. Why shouldn’t she? Tune in next week, when we fill out the rest of this season’s remaining episodes with an unrelated subplot about, oh, let’s say Connie Britton, Zachary Quinto and maybe aliens or something. Or Bigfoot? Yeah, let’s do Bigfoot.”

~ THE END ~

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