I first heard “If I Knew You Were Coming” back when I was a little kid and my brother received a series of vintage sports bloopers tapes for Christmas. Every goddamn one of them used the song, and even as kids we could tell that the song sucked. It became a game: racing for the remote to fast-forward through the sequence just so we could hear as little of the song as possible. Here (hear), listen why:
This version, sung by Eileen Barton, hit number one on the Billboard charts back in 1950. Today, I can’t imagine another use for this song other than something you’d try hard not to hear.
- Was this a song that dumb teenagers made popular, much to the annoyance of grown-ups who could tell that it was actually annoying? Or was it an actual mainstream hit?
- Is this something people danced to? If so, how did they dance to this — just bobbing around on their heels with a big dumb grin on their face that says “No, this is fun”?
- Did people actually play this song when guests arrived? Was it like the “Happy Birthday” song of having friends over?
- Is it awkward that she talks about how she would have hired a band when she clearly is being backed by band?
- Is the lyric “I don’t know where you came from / Because I don’t know where you’ve been” more or less stupid than Billy Corgan’s “What I choose is my choice”?
- Does she sound like Tress MacNeille to anyone else but me? Or does she just sound like Lindsey Naegle?
- The subtext is that the cake would have been poisoned, right?
“Hotchadoo, hotchadoo, hotchadoo.” [Dances off stage.]
EDIT: The sexual implications of “If I knew you were coming” and spreading mats have just been brought to my attention. Ew.