Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Additional Things Reality Contestants Aren’t Here to Make

Okay, so you’re not here to make friends. We got it.


Somehow, this is a statement people on reality shows keep making. For the record, there are more interesting things you could not be here to make, and I’d rather you declare any of the following in the confessional:
  • “I’m not here to make grits.”
  • “I’m not here to make babies.”
  • “I’m not here to make minimum wage.”
  • “I’m not here to make obscene gestures at deaf people.”
  • “I’m not here to make irregular BMs.”
  • “I’m not here to make love in a utility close LIKE I’M IN HIGH SCHOOL AGAIN.”
  • “I’m not here to make funny faces in the mirror for seven hours straight.”
  • “I’m not here to make social strides for Filipinas because I'm not even Filipina anymore since my reassignment surgery.”
  • “I’m not here to make a name for myself in the competitive ballroom dancing circuit.”
  • “I’m not here to make death threats to Rosie Perez.”
  • “I’m not here to my bed.”
  • “I’m not here to make any furniture, really.”
  • “I’m not here to make you feel uncomfortable, because that's just a byproduct of me being here, not the purpose of my being here.”
  • “I’m not here to make muffled squeaky noises as I suffocate beneath several heavy blankets.”
  • “I’m not here to make those creepy dolls that have dried apples for heads, because what crazy place do I come from that a shriveled apple makes the best stand-in for a head?”
  • “I’m not here to my amends.”

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