So I had to buy a lighter. Why? I need to burn things, nosy. And have you tried burning a giant pile of legal forms in an empty lot on a windy day using matches? It just prolongs the entire process and I have deadlines that must be met. But yeah, I bought a lighter and didn’t have much choice in the matter, so I consequently ended up with one that bore an eagle design not unlike what you might see painted onto the back of an RV from Wyoming. Whatever. It burned those papers.
And… an RV from Wyoming.
Then I got home. It turns out the lighter didn’t just have an a patriotic design. The art was three-dimensional!
See, the “3D” advertised on the packaging actually means “covered in bumps.” Because that’s what the third dimension is: bumpy. Like Avatar. Totally fucking bumpy, that Avatar. Yes, bumps are technically three-dimensional, but so is paper in that same technical sense, and I’m somehow not fooled into thinking that this eagle is flying toward me, from the lighter, specifically only in pinprick-sized formations.
I guess traction-enhancing gripping bumps are not very “now,” are they?