Upon Viewing Fire Walk With Me

Dear president of New Line Cinema,

I am writing to inform you of some errors in one of your films.

Recently, I finished my DVD boxed set of the ABC television series Twin Peaks. Upon hearing of the existence of a sequel film, I immediately set out to purchase it, for the last episode of the show left me rather unsettled. (I’m sure you hear this all time. I shan’t go into it.) But after obtaining and viewing your 1992 film Fire Walk With Me, I must say that I believe the copy of the film to be defective. I would like reimbursement and/or a proper version of the film, please.

So as to facilitate understanding of my problems, I have numbered my complaints.

One: While the film itself seems overlong, I believe certain scenes to have been omitted from my copy — namely, all the ones with Sheriff Truman, Josie, Audrey, Lucy, Andy, Hank, Norma and, to a lesser extent, Nadine. Surely, the scenes addressing these characters exist on some “correct” printing of the film, yes?

Two: Given the cliffhanger ending of the series finale, I assume there must exist at least an hour of additional footage explaining the events happening after Agent Cooper’s escape from the Black Lodge. My neighbor — Mrs. De Guzman, with whom I watched the series and film — says that she thinks this is not the case, but I say Mrs. De Guzman is crazy and not to be trusted. (For example, she attends a church that has a lady priest!) I maintain that no follow-up film to a series that left so much explained could have been released in theaters without addressing any of those lingering questions.

Three: I am convinced that my copy of Fire Walk With Me may have been a “joke” version, perhaps which you made for your personal friends to enjoy over drinks. I say this because that talented, young Lara Flynn Boyle — who I so loved as little Donna Hayward — didn’t reprise her role. In her scenes, that awful girl who ruined the first season of The West Wing was there, with her bird’s nest of a hairstyle and her vain attempt at a face. You can bet this obvious prank had me rolling on the floor, but I’m curious to know how the “real” version of these scenes played. (To be fair, Moira Kelly was passable in The Cutting Edge, which I consider to be a surrealist farce much in line with the Twin Peaks canon.) Mrs. De Guzman tells me that Lara Flynn Boyle actually opted not to reprise her role in Fire Walk With Me, but I believe this about as much as I believe Mrs. De Guzman’s claims that she worked on the set of popular mid-90s TV shows and still retains various executive producing credits today. (She really is crazy, you see.) I can imagine how your “joke” printing might have made it to the general market, because the DVD package looks just like the real deal must have. Whatever artist you hired to design it for your friends certainly did a top-notch job!

In closing, I must say “congratulations” on the authenticity of your phony Twin Peaks movie that clearly was never meant to be screened by actual viewers. I really am impressed with lengths some people will go to put one over on their friends. And you even got me, and we hardly know each other! (Though I wish we could know each other better, as I grow tired of that awful, deceitful Mrs. De Guzman.) But please, can you forward this to whoever at your company can send me the real version?

Many thanks,
Hollis Birkhead

P.S. “LET’S ROCK!!!” (Ha!)