Drew Discusses Kim Kardashian With an Old Woman

The second in what I imagine will be a continuing series about the old people I meet at Whole Foods.

The scene: I’m standing in line, waiting to buy my Friday night wine, when I hear a voice speak up behind me. “I could really go for some Diet Coke.” There’s no response. Curious if she might be talking to me, I turn around to see a character I can only describe as Carol Channing by way of Long Island. I’m calling her Tovah.

Me: I don’t think they sell Diet Coke here.

Tovah: Why the hell not?

Me: It’s not natural.

Tovah: That can’t be right. (waving to the checkout girl) Excuse me, miss, but where is the Diet Coke?

Checkout Girl: We don’t sell Diet Coke here. It’s not natural.

Tovah: What?!

Checkout Girl: It’s not natural. Everything we sell is natural.

Tovah: What the hell is natural about tofu?  

(Note: She puts the accent on the second syllable, as if To-Fu were the emperor of some Asian land.)

Me (turning around to Tovah, because I feel she needs assurance): There is absolutely nothing natural about tofu.

(A pause.)

Tovah: I could have been famous.

(I turn around again and see that she’s looking at Kim Kardashian on the cover of this month’s W magazine.)

Tovah (needing no response to continue her discussion): You don’t need to do anything to be famous today. You don’t have to sing. You don’t have to dance. You don’t need to tell jokes. I was not doing all of these when I looked like her. Tell me — is there anything this Kim Kardashian can do well?

Me: There is one thing.

Tovah: What is that?

Me: You should watch her sex tape.

(Tovah looks at me for a few beats like she’s trying to decide whether to slap me. Then…)

Tovah: Oh. Well, I was never good at that. Maybe I should watch the sex tape.

End of interaction.

I should really spend more time at Whole Foods.