Two thoughts upon watching the season premiere of Top Chef:
First, the people who edit this show really must stop setting up episodes so that one of the two characters who admit to having some sort of friendship end up being eliminated that same episode. It’s laughably predictable at this point — the Top Chef equivalent of a sexy teen wandering into the woods to smoke pot and have sex. Just this episode, we were introduced to Lauren and Patrick, who basically sealed their fate by admitting that they knew each other previously and were happy to have a friend in the kitchen. They might as well have just swallowed the cyanide capsule right there. Lauren, who apparently lacks apple skills, got booted after a first-ever elimination Quickfire Challenge, and Patrick lost the full-fledged competition. Being friends, it seems, doesn’t pay off, but I suppose that doesn’t really matter since 85 percent of reality show contestants willingly admit to not being there to make friends.
Second, watching the start of a new Top Chef season has reminded me of my dream: Sneaking onto the show, either as a result of a completely false application process that makes me seem to have any sort of culinary training or by just wandering onto the set and hoping nobody notices. Either way, I only need to make it to the elimination challenge of the first episode, at which point I will make a recipe consisting of water, corn starch, green food coloring and cocktail umbrellas. It will be serves on tea saucers and I really just want the satisfaction of making Padma Lakshmi, Gail Simmons and Tom Colicchio eat a gluey, flavorless paste on camera. I wouldn’t even really wait for the judging. I’d just admit that I actually had no reason to be on the show and slink away, without bothering to pack my knives.
Also, the knives would be of the plasticware and switchblade varieties. Just because.
EDIT: Upon watching it again, I am disappointed to announce that the show is also seems to be edited to make Gail Simmons seem unattractive — especially when she is eating food, which, of course, is fairly often.
Gail, you should have words with someone.