Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Nash Metropolitan Russo

A search results "best of" that features all the ways in which people got to this blog by asking a question since 2008 began. The questions appear in order of how often they're used to find the Back of the Cereal Box, and, below, I've suppled answers. In a way, this post serves as an act of contrition, as I secretly feel bad for all these people who are searching for something but ending up here, where they will almost certainly not find an answer. Then again, I also think that's funny.
  1. do you like luxury?
  2. what happened to spider pig?
  3. are may 31st geminis weird?
  4. what character was the drew carey show’s answer to austin powers’ “mini-me”?
  5. what does a cat sound like?
  6. what is a mentos moment?
  7. back of the cereal box, hey drew it's dan, do you have a pdf of the 2005 daily nexus april fools issue you could send me?
  8. how do you advertise on a cereal box?
  9. mister can you tell me where my love has gone?
  10. what does ese at the end of computerese mean?
  11. what happens to ismene?
  12. who wrote teen horniness is not a crime?
  13. what is cereal made out of?
  14. "what did ida hoe?"
  15. "what makes the melon ball bounce?"
  16. "what's the matter with helen?"
  17. according to wirelessinfo.com,where are cellular phones lost most often?
  18. ann landers: do you get more wet in rain if you walk or run?
  19. another you so i could love you more?
  20. are anteaters and aardvarks the same?
  21. booby bird as a good pet?
  22. bullshit on dr.bronner's soap bottles?
  23. busy philipps + bijou phillips same person?
  24. can you buy hollister surfboards?
  25. descriptive words for good looking men?
  26. difference between a threat and a promise?
  27. do you like my eyes?
  28. does darryl hannah have a wooden finger?
  29. gail simmons married?
  30. how do you spell cereal another away?(the only thing)
  31. how many siblings did ethel waters have?
  32. how much does padma lakshmi weigh?
  33. how much does richard grieco weigh?
  34. in psycho, what surname does marion crane sign in with at the bates motel??
  35. is marsha thomason hispanic?
  36. is moesko island lighthouse is real story?
  37. is my envelope pre paid?
  38. lipstick knife illegal in usa?
  39. meaning of rocky horror?
  40. monkey in a turban, what does it mean?
  41. nevada tan do you like the red room?
  42. poison in cereal?
  43. purple mcdonalds thing called?
  44. rocket man by elton john about a gay guy?
  45. source of expression "jonesing"?
  46. splash woman a female robot master?
  47. tommy sands singer alive or dead?
  48. was carla jean killed?
  49. was the murder of kait arquette solved?
  50. what are dina pants?
  51. what are the color dots on cereal boxes?
  52. what are they saying in portuguese in music is my hot hot sex?
  53. what cereal is in planet terror?
  54. what color inside mouth and tongue of loon duck?
  55. what does ebo gogo mean?
  56. what does nat wolf from the naked brothers band toenails look like?
  57. what does umbriel bring from the cave of spleen?
  58. what does undertaker really look like?
  59. what is the difference between a stock character and a stereotype character?
  60. what is the difference between peter cottontail and peter rabbit?
  61. what is the song in the target commercial that goes "la tee dah"?
  62. what's so interesting about lemons?
  63. what's wrong with muriel puce?
  64. whatever happened to xena?
  65. when the simpsons went to the summer beach house for the fourth of july, what does homer refer to milhouse as?
  66. where is the group klymaxx from?
  67. where was the disputed zone?
  68. where's arva kransky?
  69. where's laura branigan?
  70. which cereal floats longest in milk?
  71. who is the nexus weatherhuman?
  72. who wears the crucifix?
  73. why are skunks french?
  74. why do anteaters develop teeth during fetal development and then lose them before birth?
  75. why do the van houtens look alike?
  76. why can't we digest the cereal box?
  77. why is there horse hair in the oaks?
  78. will myspace profile delete itself after lengthy inactivity?
  79. otter pops what color is poncho punch?
And the answers:
  1. Only as much I like squalor. Also, the "Do You Like Luxury?" sketch can be seen here.
  2. Spider-Pig survives the film, but offscreen. He's shown up in a few episodes since.
  3. May 31 Geminis are no weirder than the other 1/365th of the world's population, I'd bet.
  4. The Drew Carey Show version of the Austin Powers character Mini-Me would be Mini Mimi, who was played by Debbie Lee Carrington.
  5. According to James Joyce, cats say "mkgnao."
  6. My definition of a Mentos Moment: Learning that the bullet you fired into your head actually blasted away all the brain cancer that was two days away from killing you. Also: another example of a Mentos Moment.
  7. Hi Dan. No, I don't have that particular PDF. Any existing evidence of the Nexus April Fool's Day issue from 2005 would either be posted here or on the Nexus website. Maybe ask JE?
  8. Inquiries about cereal box advertising are best handled by the good media representatives at Kellogg Corporation in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
  9. I can't tell you where your love has gone, but I do know that he's a Japanese boy.
  10. In general, "-ese" is is a suffix denoting affiliation with a language, nationality or culture. I wrote about it in a post titled "But Not Martin Scorsese."
  11. Nobody knows what happens to Ismene, at least in the confines of the play Antigone, but I'd like to think that she married and lived happily, despite the nasty fate seemingly predicted by her incest genes. She's a classic "underdog girl."
  12. Richard Kelly probably wrote "Teen Horniness Is Not a Crime," but in the context of the Southland Tales universe, it's probably Sarah Michelle Gellar's character, Krysta Now, who is credited as the writer.
  13. Cereal is made of crescent moons, stars, hears, shamrocks, probably some other things.
  14. Ida hoed her merry land, sir. She hoed her merry land.
  15. What makes the melon ball bounce is the ice-tart taste of Sprite.
  16. Aside from being played by Shelly Winters, the thing that's the matter most with Helen is that she's a religious nut with clear schizo tendencies.
  17. Wirelessinfo.com posited in June 2007 that British cell phone users most often lose their mobiles by dropping them in the toilet.
  18. Since Ann Landers is long dead, I'll answer on her behalf: You get wetter depending on what kind of shape your in and any resulting sweat. Oh, and puddles.
  19. Yes, that's quite the memorable Cardigans lyric.
  20. For the last time, anteaters and aardvarks are not the same. Read if you must.
  21. A booby bird is only a good pet if you truly trust your husband.
  22. About bullshit and Dr. Bronner's: Yes, figuratively. No, literally.
  23. No, Busy Philipps and Bijou Phillips spell and pronounce their first names differently.
  24. No, you can't buy Hollister surfboards — neither from the ranch nor form the town itself.
  25. Well, you got a good start with "good looking."
  26. Promises were made to be broken, threats were made to be enforced.
  27. To be honest, I like your eye, the one on the left. The right one has this milky, oozy, wandery problem.
  28. Upon researching the matter of Darryl Hannah's finger, it seems she's only missing part of one finger as a result of a childhood accident. I don't know whether it's wooden.
  29. Last I heard, Gail Simmons is engaged to be married.
  30. Technically you could spell "cereal" as "serial," but that wouldn't really be the same word.
  31. A quick Google search could verify how many brothers and sisters Ethel Waters had.
  32. Wikipedia claims that Padma Lakshmi weights 125 pounds.
  33. The internet is less able to tell me how much Richard Griego weighs, but I'll bet it's significantly more than his 21 Jump Street days.
  34. In Psycho, Marion signs into the Bates Motel under the pseudonym "Marie Samuels."
  35. I believe Marsha Thomason is part Jamaican — not Hispanic.
  36. No, despite appearances otherwise, the Moesko Island Lighthouse story is merely a false background story constructed for the Ring movies.
  37. I'm sorry, but I cannot verify whether you're envelope is pre-paid.
  38. Yes, lipstick knives are, in fact, illegal in the U.S. But so stylish!
  39. The moral of the film Rocky Horror is that aliens shouldn't be trusted, especially incestuous ones. The meaning of the phrase "rocky horror" has something to do with avalanches, I think.
  40. A monkey in a turban means that you're in a delightful place and should take photos. Or it means you're listening to Frank Black.
  41. Nevada-Tan likes the Red Room a little too much.
  42. Oh no!
  43. The purple McDonald's thing would be Grimace.
  44. Technically, "Rocket Man" was written by Bernie Taupin, who I believe to be straight. However, it would certainly seem as though it's about a gay guy, if not Elton John himself.
  45. The American Heritage Dictionary speculates that the noun " jones," meaning "heroin," comes from the common American surname, but the Wiktionary page for the word takes it a big farther, crediting New York Times writer Ed Bolland with associated the verb "to jones," meaning "to crave," with heroin addicts who frequented Great Jones Alley in New York City. The term would have seem to have no connection with Jones soda.
  46. Yes, it would appear to be the case that Splash Woman is the first female Robot Master.
  47. By all accounts, singer Tommy Sands is still alive, even if he's not exactly being mentioned right and left on this blog.
  48. It's presumable that Anton Chigurh did kill Carla Jean, though he does it off screen. On the way out of his house, he wipes his shoes, likely cleaning her blood from them.
  49. No, the murder of Kait Aruqette has not yet been solved.
  50. I would guess that "Dina Pants" are the pants Dina owns.
  51. To be honest, I don't know what those colored dots on the side of cereal boxes are for. I'd imagine they work like the printing version of TV color test pattern. When I try to Google the matter, I seem to end up at my own blog.
  52. According to this site, the English translation of the Portuguese lyrics at the end of "Music Is My Hot, Hot Sex" is as follows:
    For sure,
    I was a good scout girl.
    Straight from school, no,
    I wouldnt gonna sniff glue,
    Neither do basketball, nor "pebolim."
    What I like is not for free,
    What i don't like is farse.
    Got guitar, drum, computer with sounds.
    Some say louder than a hurricane.
    Near him I could feel.
    It comes out of his eye to reach me.
    Sitted by his side,
    I wanted to touch.
    I would do him till the sunrise.
    Under the covers,
    He would moan in E tune.
    I got tense,
    But it was ok,
    He is rad, but I know I am too.
  53. According to this site, the cereal featured in Planet Terror is a fictional brand called Great White Bites.
  54. The color inside the mouth of a "loon duck" would depend on what it had recently eaten, the extend of the bird's morals, and whether a "loon duck" is an actual thing or not.
  55. Ebo gogo, also known as "Ebu gogo," is a fictional races of small, human-like creatures that reside on the Filipino island of Flores, which, oddly enough, scientists in 2003 discovered the meter-tall Homo floresiensis, or "hobbit humanoid."
  56. I have no interest in looking into the appearance of the toe nails of Nakes Brothers band member Nat Wolf. You're sick, by the way.
  57. In Alexander Pope's Rape of the Lock, Umbriel returns from the Cave of Spleen with the following articles: "sighs, sobs, and passions" and a vial of sorrow, grief, and tears. He uses these against Belinda to further sour her mood. Later, he was referenced in Futurama.
  58. Undertakers look just like you and me, friend.
  59. In my opinion, the main difference between stock characters and stereotypes is that stock characters can only exist in dramatic or literary media, while stereotypes are concepts that dictate how people or things should be like, based on one of said person or thing's characteristics. So a stock character could be a stereotype and and a stereotype could be a stock character, but all stock characters aren't necessarily stereotypes and all stereotypes aren't necessarily stock characters. Does that make sense?
  60. Apparently the original Beatrix Potter character was Peter Rabbit, but for a 1971 Easter television special, the character was combined with a different Potter character — Cottontail, about whom I know nothing — and become Peter Cottontail, who's now arguably more famous.
  61. The song from the Target commercial that goes "La Tee Dah" is, appropriately enough, "La Ti Da," by The Icicles.
  62. I don't find lemons particular interesting, though that can sometimes be quite disgusting.
  63. I can't remember what, exactly, was so unpleasant about Muriel Puce. Can anybody remind me?
  64. Xena the Warrior Princess lost her show. Xena the potential planet eventually became the plutoid Eris.
  65. Homer calls Milhouse "Pointdexter."
  66. Klylmaxx was and possibly still is based out of Los Angeles.
  67. Depends on what dispute you're talking about.
  68. Arva Kransy has apparently left the group, with her replacement being previously unmentioned and equally silent Kransky sister, Dawn.
  69. Laura Branigan, however, is dead.
  70. In space, all cereal floats equally.
  71. The Nexus Weatherhuman changes on an annual basis. His or her identity is a carefully guarded secret to the point that you may one day learn that you are the Weatherhuman.
  72. Christian generally are the ones who wear crucifixes. And really dumb atheists. And, according to this post, the Devil.
  73. I would guess that the tendency for cartoons to feature French skunks stems from the American stereotype that French people stink.
  74. Fetal anteaters develop temporary teeth likely for the same reasons that fetal humans develop temporary tails.
  75. Less as a result of any implication that Mr. and Mrs. Van Houten are related than for a simple cartoon concept that husbands and wives resemble each other so viewers recognize them as a unit.
  76. Why do you want to eat the cereal box? That's the question you should be asking.
  77. Have you been riding a horse near the oaks?
  78. I believe MySpace would never delete an account, no matter how inactive, because it speaks to the website's popularity to have as many members as possible. Whether these people actually use the site with any regularity is irrelevant.
  79. Poncho Punch would be the red Otter Pop.
As I've said before, I'm amused by people who search in this manner, mostly because it makes me imagine some well-mannered old lady who's just now learning how to use the internet and searching by entering terms like "could i see cross stitch patterns with hummels, please?" Either that or people using AskJeeves. Only not, but none of these people used AskJeeves, because no one uses AskJeeves.

4 comments:

  1. i die.
    this makes me love people.
    i have absolutely nothing clever to say about it. i smile and i laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  2. We don't really know what makes Muriel Puce so terrible, aside from her friendship with Gloria Upson. And if we're being judged by the company we keep, well...I give up.

    ReplyDelete
  3. What I want to know is, how do you find this information?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Goofy: Usually from Statecounter.com, but for this post I got it from Google Analytics.

    ReplyDelete