Wednesday, December 26, 2007

The Lily-White Cavity Crazes

(In which I attempt to make sense of why the current top Technorati search keywords are what they are, then get bored of that and decide to falsely link them together for my own amusement.)

This week's dishonorables, as of the time I write this drivel, include Laure Manadou, Ron Paul (again), Galilea Montijo (again), Noelia (again), something called "nus results" (which may or may not be the same as National University of Singapore results), tiger (presumably the operating system and not the kind that killed somebody in Golden Gate Park yesterday), Reshma, Jennifer Garner, cheat codes, iPhone, Vanessa Hudgens, authority (for some reason), Carla Bruni and something called "zuda." That last one may me DC's online comic imprint Zuda Comics, but judging how the Technorati top searches list works most often as an international index of current sex scandals and the women involved, I'm going to assume Zuda is a Namibian model-folk singer in the midst of a harrowing sex scandal.)

The world of women's professional swimming was sloshed about, overchlorinated and then dripped upon with the recent revelation of nude photos of the beautiful (in France) Laure "Who Needs a Swimsuit?" Manadou, but most infuriated were Latina strumpetinas Galilea Montijo and Noelia, whose own myriad sex scandals were both bumped from the top of popular internet search lists, thus propelling both women to strange, new, headline-grabbing acciones escandalosas. (As baffled as las strumpetinas are sore and raw, Ron Paul throws his hands in the air and asks God how he could be popular enough to appear in lists alongside the world's most fashionable train wrecks and still not have a chance at the White House.) Meanwhile, two beautiful women from "developing" areas of the world — Reshma, originally from rural Pakistan, and Vanessa Hudgens, originally from Salinas, California — became besties while dishing over how sex tape scandals have both improved and destroyed their lives. The two bonded backstage at the 2007 Whore of Babylon competition, in which the dregs of celebrity culture compete to see who's done the most to drag society toward Armageddon. (The prize: a year's supply of video game cheat codes, the pun possibilities of which are lost on few.) Shortly before she was devoured by the tiger component of a seven-headed dragonbeast, France's first mistress and noted "singer" Carla Bruni noted to audience members how surprisingly pretty Jennifer Garner looked in Juno. Needless to say, the woman who walked away this year as champion — and, indeed, one of the few who walked away from the fiery debacle at all — was bright-eyed starlet Zuda, who managed to shame the entire continent of Africa when tests on her bodily leavings yielded a less-than-positive outcome. (Editor's note: I'm fairly certain "nus results" is a typo.) The advent of the iPhone has led to a world in which sex scandal videos can travel faster than ever before, so the current batch of up-and-coming fallen women are surely already gameplanning for their big moves in 2008. But what will be enough to render one an authority on public shame? And who will be atop Technorati's slut-o-meter come bathing suit season next year?

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