Sunday, August 12, 2007

Disposable Weathercock

(In which I attempt to make sense of why the current top Technorati search keywords are what they are, then get bored of that and decide to falsely link them together for my own amusement. This week's dishonorables, as of the time I write this drivel, include Ron Paul, Noelia, Frank Rich, Johanna Cardona, the Gnomedex, Galilea Montijo, descargar, the iPhone, something called "melayu" and, once again, Paris Hilton. There's also an entry for "utube," which fucking has to be different than "youtube" because we can't have sunk so low that people no longer have time to write out "youtube.")

Ahem.

U.S. Presidential hopeful Ron Paul tops this week's list, despite the fact that anyone else whose name even remotely sounds like "Ron Paul" would make for better reading. (Sean Paul, Pope John Paul II and Ron Popeil leap to mind.) Ron Paul, who apparently hasn't realized that someone with a name like "Ron Paul" is probably better suited for truck deliveries than anything involving the title "president," did, however, make a surprise splash into pop culture this week with what unfocused blog reading has taught me is a sex tape scandal with current Puerto Rican popstar Noelia, daughter of bygone and angry-about-it Puerto Rican popstar Yolandita Monge. News of Ron Paul and Noelia's affair broke into mainstream media by, of all sources, Frank Rich of the New York Times, who opined with his trademark acerbity that "the Noelia incident marked Paul's worst performance to date, especially in respect to lighter fare such as Law & Order indentured servant Mariska Hargitay and Colombian telejornalista nymphomaniac Johanna Cardona." (The latter watched the ignominy of her infamous phone sex scandal vanish shortly after her appearance on the Gnomedex, an online visual catalogue of women who resemble gnomes. The once-beautiful Cardona, of course, devolved into gnome-hood following yet another high-profile disgrace: a sulphuric acid catfight with Mexican-born, Manx-raised cup-flipping queen Galilea Montijo.) The Ron Paul-Noelia video — known among Latin perv circles as Descargar, the Spanish for "to unload", which may give you some indication as to Noelia's fate in the clip's climax — displaced last week's top sex scandal video, which depicted armed felon Paris Hilton's one night stand with mythical four-pronged horse-dragon Melayu. Needless to say, both incidents were recorded by Food & Wine magazine's Gail Simmons on a video-ready iPhone from a darkened closet and are instantly viewable on utube, the new video network site for people morally opposed to the three-letter variation of English's second person singular pronoun, which Congress is expected to officially ban next week.

Oh, and there was a baby salamander there, too.


My predictions for next week's top Technorati key terms: zaca fire, lawsuit, calfire, hey — remember santa barbara?, apocalypse, paris hilton, iphone, paris hilton's iphone

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