My renewed blogging effort will include more stories about myself, I've decided. For whatever reason, you're getting this one today.
A few years back at one of the Daily Nexus's summer retreats, I ended up speaking with one of the new Artsweek editors. Keeping in mind that a Nexus weekend retreat consists of a beach house and the kind of drinking that leads to — at best — meandering, pointless sentences and — at worst — meandering, pointless sex , I was in no state to interact with other humans. Talk we did, however. Whatever she said — I remember the texture of the floor beneath me but not her actual words — I interpreted it as "My mother can't tell the difference between her computer and chocolate milk." Astounded, I told this new editor that her mother must be the dumbest person on the fact of the earth. Literally — to be lump chocolate milk and a computer into the same mental category requires a dried Wasabi pea brain. I went on and on, explaining the idiocy of this girl's mother before she stomped away, apparently offended that I stated the obvious by commending her mother for having evaded natural selection so far.
The next morning — following Excedrin and coffee, I'd imagine — someone who had been party to that conversation approached me and asked about its rather bad end. What had actually transpired, it turns out, is that the Artsweek editor had said that her mother often said "Yoohoo" when she meant "Yahoo," as in the search engine. How many drinks it took to warp that into "My mother can't tell the difference between her computer and chocolate milk," I guess I'll never know. To this day, I'm still delighted at the idea of a college student having an embarrassingly stupid mother who tried to drink her computer and check her email in a frosty choco-dairy treat.
The girl didn't last long. By the end of that fall quarter, she decided the school paper wasn't for her and I never saw her again. I don't know if my drunken accusations had anything to do with her premature departure, but I'd like to think she had to leave college to care for her mom after a horrible accident involving the family PC and a bottle of Hershey's syrup.