Upon having read today’s letter to the editor criticizing your tenure as art director at the Daily Nexus, I have to say that you are, in fact, the worst person I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. To hear that you have prevented an earnest comedienne from unleashing her potential upon her university peers saddens — nay, disgusts — me and should rightly do the same to anybody with an appreciation of either comedy or artistic doodlery. This woman has taken to snowmen in the way that Gary Larson popularized cows and frumpy hausfraus. And to think that you have attempted to stifle her creative voice, you who sit in his ivory tower of an artist’s chair and cast down upon others with derision and spite. Oh, Mr. Batalla, if I could but break free of the shackles of this foe we call linear time and travel back to the moment of your birth, I would do everything within my power to cram your squealing infantile form back inside, so that your reign of terror would never be wrought upon our fair planet. You, sir, have done a unfathomable disservice to yourself, the Daily Nexus readership, your peers and — perhaps most of all — the snowmen. Upon your hour of reckoning, you, Mark Batalla, will surely have much to answer for.
With the same slow burn as the guilt that no doubt must be eating away at your soul,