Gloria's Allegedly Strange Personal Life

If driving through the rain forests of Australia with a soundtrack of the finest hits of the 80s taught me anything, it's that the late Laura Branigan had a serious beef with some chick named Gloria. Why? That's more complicated.

Gloria
You're always on the run now

Apparently Gloria is a fugitive.

Running after somebody
You gotta get him somehow
I think you've got to slow down
Before you start to blow it
I think you're headed for a breakdown
So be careful not to show it

Or Gloria is chasing after a guy, perhaps to the point of exhaustion. A marathon runner?

You really don't remember
Was it something that he said?
Are the voices in your head
Calling "Gloria"?

Alternately, Gloria is insane, and plagued by nagging voices that call her name. Not unlike this song, I might add. Subtle, Laura Branigan.

Gloria
Don't you think you're falling?
If everybody wants you
Why isn't anybody calling?

At this point, the late Ms. Branigan crosses the line from mere commentary on Gloria's mysterious condition to outright bitchiness. Seriously? I think we know who really wants Gloria at this point.

You don't have to answer
Leave them hanging on the line
Calling "Gloria"

Don't have to answer whom? The people who aren't calling?

Gloria
I think they got your number
I think they got the alias
That you've been living under

Gloria is also a spy.

But you really don't remember
Was it something that they said?
Are the voices in your head
Calling "Gloria"?

An insane spy.

Gloria
How's it gonna go down?

Or, alternately, "Gloria, why won't you let me go down on you?"

Will you meet him on the main line?
Or will you catch him on the rebound?

The fuck?

Will you marry for the money?
Take a lover in the afternoon?
Feel your innocence slippin' away
Don't believe it's comin' back soon

So Laura doesn't want Gloria hooking up with guys, marrying them, or taking additional afternoon lovers.

And you really don't remember
Was it something that he said?
Are the voices in your head?
Calling "Gloria"?

You ask a lot of strange questions, Laura Branigan.

Gloria
Don't you think you're falling?
If everybody wants you
Why isn't anybody calling?
You don't have to answer
Leave them hangin' on the line
Calling "Gloria"

Gloria
I think they got your number

Or: "Hey Gloria, why don't you give me your number?" asked a really pushy Laura Branigan.

I think they got the alias
That you've been living under

But you really don't remember
Was it something that they said?
Are the voices in your head
Calling "Gloria"?

In essence, Laura Branigan wants us to take the following away from this song: Gloria is a possibly insane fugitive spy who uses aliases and totally shouldn't be chasing after rich guys and afternoon lovers and leaving them all voicemail messages when Laura FUCKING Branigan is standing there all hot and Irish-American and writing songs about her. Also, the voices calling "Gloria" probably all belong to Laura Branigan, who has this song that mentions Gloria's name twelve times, not counting the fade-out and the back-up singers.

Clear, no?

And I can't believe it's been nearly a year since I had to start wondering about Gloria's allegedly strange personal life in the first place. KrisDina, this is for you.

EDIT: For the uninitiated: