Metal From the Waist Down

Not being in a state to comprehend words last Saturday night didn’t prevent me from seeing last week’s “SNL.” Minus one sketch and the musical numbers, the entire episode is available in iTunes. In short, it’s one of those episodes that reminds you why the show is so great, as it features Alec Baldwin as the host, Chrstina Aguilera as the musical guest and guest appearances from Tina Fey, Tracy Morgan, Steve Martin, Martin Short, Paul McCartney and Tony Bennett. This makes for an extremely good episode and a surprisingly rewarding closing credits with so many famous and talented people crowded onto the monologue stage, hugging and waving.

And I love watching famous people hug each other and wave.

Having a few spare moments today, however, I checked in on the SNL Transcripts archive to see what had been eliminated from the online, ready-for-syndication version of the episode. Apparently I missed out on seeing Aguilera and Bennett do a duet version of “Steppin’ Out With My Baby.” I also didn’t get to see a quasi-sequel to the cider sketch from the Jaime Pressley episode a few weeks back.

It begins with Alec Baldwin and Kristen Wiig in a car together.

Kristen Wiig: Y’ know, in some places, the prices are still almost three dollars a gallon. It’s crazy.
Alec Baldwin: Well, carpooling was definitely a good idea. At least now I don’t feel like I’m losing money going to work.

[ they chuckle ]

Wiig: I know — plus having someone else in the car makes the drive go faster.
Baldwin: Yeah. This is a nice car.
Wiig: Thank you.

[ awkward pause ]

Wiig: Oh, so it looked like you were having some words with your neighbor back there.
Baldwin: I’m sorry?
Wiig: Oh, when I drove up, he was ranting and raving. That must be fun, living next to a crazy old man.
Baldwin: That’s my dad. He actually lives with us.
Wiig: Oh. I’m sorry.
Baldwin: He’s not quite right anymore. He had wandered into the neighbor’s yard, I was trying to get him back to the house to, uh... put some clothes on him.
Wiig: I’m sorry, that must be really hard.
Baldwin: It is. Especially on the kids.

[ a pause ]

Baldwin: So where do you guys live?
Wiig: Oh, no, no. It’s just me, I’m by myself, I have an apartment.
Baldwin: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were married.
Wiig: I am. He ran away.
Baldwin: Oh.
Wiig: It’s okay, um, he left a note. Um... it was nice... But, uh, he can’t live with me anymore. But it’s okay.

[ a pause ]

Baldwin: So what happened to those bonuses we were supposed to get this summer?
Wiig: Oh, yeah, those bonuses. Honestly, I don’t even think they exist, y’know? It’s like, it’s a big myth. It’s like Bigfoot.

[ a pause ]

Baldwin: I believe in Bigfoot. I’ve seen him twice, so he’s real.
Wiig: I didn’t mean to offend you.
Baldwin: It’s all right, you weren’t there.

[ a pause ]

Wiig: Do you want to listen to some music or something?
Baldwin: Sure, that’d be great.

[ She turns on the stereo. “Where Does My Heart Beat Now?” by Celine Dion starts playing. ]

Baldwin: Ugh, Celine Dion. Anything but that, I cannot stand her. You mind if we change the station?
Wiig: It’s a CD.
Baldwin: Sorry. Do you mind if we put in a different CD?
Wiig: They’re all Celine.
Baldwin: Big fan, huh?

[ She turns off the music. ]

Wiig: When I was 17, I was kidnapped and taken to Peru. After four months, I managed to escape, but couldn’t get back to the U.S. I begged for money to buy a piece of paper and a pencil so I could write a letter. I wrote that letter to Celine Dion to come and rescue me, and she did. She’s an amazing person. She’s an amazing person.
Baldwin: I’m sorry, I should have known.
Wiig: It’s okay, I’m, I’m just sensitive about it, y’know, she’s always been there for me, y’know? She’s—she’s my rock.
Baldwin: Your rock?
Wiig: Yeah... what?
Baldwin: It’s just that last summer my dentist and I were rock climbing, and he fell into a crevasse where he got his foot stuck. The coyotes were circling, so I did what I had to do, and I chewed his foot off with my teeth.

[ a pause ]

Baldwin: So you should be a little more careful with the words you throw around.
Wiig: With "words" I "throw around"?
Baldwin: Yeah.

[ a pause ]

Wiig: Someone threw a box full of dictionaries out of a fourth-story window, crushing everything below my waist. No one came to help me for so long, I started reading one of the dictionaries and got halfway through “C,”so I think I know a little something about people throwing words around.
Baldwin: I’m sorry, that must’ve been awful for you.
Wiig: I’m metal from the waist down.

[ Baldwin glances over to her and then looks down at her legs. ]

Baldwin: I’m sorry.
Wiig: Y’know, it’s fine. You know what they say: “Don’t worry, be happy.”
Baldwin: Bobby McFerrin raped my grandmother.

[ He presses his fist to his mouth in anguish for a long moment as they drive. ]

Wiig: Let’s just, uh, let’s just listen to the radio.

[ She switches the stereo back on, only to hear “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” coming from the speakers. Baldwin covers his eyes with his hand while the song continues for a few seconds. ]

Phenomenal.