Some one-liners I have floating around my head — each invented accidentally by my brain and each one having no reason or justification for its existence. Separately, they make me laugh. Together, they don't make much sense. So don't read them that way, okay?
Me, to a roommate: "Yeah, dude, we're out of toilet paper so I just took a shower instead."
Me, explaining sex: "Timmy, when two adults love each other, they often do so drunk and only for one night. Afterwards, they see each other at work and it will be awkward. One day, you'll understand."
Me, writing my fantasy critique for someone's poorly punctuated pile of pap in my creative writing class: "The theme of your piece, as nearly I can tell, is that periods and commas are stupid and that writing an entire short story without them will make me go cross-eyed and die."
Also, regarding the short stories, I think it would be fun to fuck with the authors I don't like and give them ridiculous criticisms and suggestions. Like "I think you're using too many verbs. Many of your sentences would be fine without them. You're that good of a writer." Or "Have you thought about making your narrator retarded? I think your story could really go places then." Or "Try writing your whole piece in dialect."