Tuesday, December 14, 2004

The DNA Thieves

I'm alarmed by the presence of Paz Vega.

In case you haven't noticed, this star of the upcoming Adam Sandler-Tea Leoni feature "Spanglish" has somehow stolen Penelope Cruz's DNA. Look at her. She looks just like Penelope Cruz. Return Penelope’s DNA, Paz, and peel back your Penelope face to reveal your real face in the manner of a Scooby Doo villain, please. We don't really need another Penelope. We still have the first and she is enough, I guess. But at least Paz' voice doesn't cut through my brain like some kind of frisbee-tossed saw blade.

My worries do not stop with Paz, however. No, she represents a disturbing trend that I've noticed among celebrities in the past few years — and I'm not bitching about their kids' names this time.
  • Monica Potter so clearly has stolen Julia Robert's DNA, spliced with blonde genes.
  • I've long suspected that Leelee Sobieski is the result from some cloning experiment with Helen Hunt's bodily leavings.
  • And I swear I can't tell the difference between Marley Shelton and Kate Bosworth.
  • Remember Skeet Ulrich? Remember how he looked just like Johnny Depp? Remember how his role in "Scream" was eerily like Johnny Depp's debut in "A Nightmare on Elm Street"? Remember how Wes Craven directed both? Clearly, a case of DNA-thievery.
Spooky stuff, really, but I'm not sure what scares me more: the thought that Hollywood's trying to pull a fast one on us or the inherent crime in that human cloning and DNA manipulations has already begun. It's happening under our noses, people!

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