Thursday, July 01, 2004

Sixteen Things I Learned from Video Games

  1. All bad guys are covered in invisible poison fire, which is why touching them — even innocent-looking ones, even on a part of their body that seems harmless — kills you.
  2. Anyone — anyone — can easily jump two times their body height.
  3. Coins and blocks can float in midair — and frequently do.
  4. Spikes = instant death, while getting shot only results in a minor decrease in overall health.
  5. All martial artists must shout the name of their move as they perform it.
  6. Punching enemies to defend yourself is impossible. No, you best line of defense is jumping on top of them.
  7. It's totally kosher to walk into strangers' houses, open their cupboards and treasure chests, and take whatever you can find.
  8. I can breathe underwater.
  9. Eating random mushrooms is good for my health.
  10. If a ghost turns blue, then I can eat it.
  11. Blasted by fire, chopped by an axe, shot by bullets, it doesn't matter — as long as a have at least one bar left on my health meter, I can still run as quickly as I ever could.
  12. Oddly, people who design dungeons leave keys to locked doors lying around for me to find.
  13. Even more oddly, those same people design judges that can me escaped with mere basic problem-solving skills.
  14. Instead of "Hi! How ya doing?," medieval-peasant types actually greet you with out-of-nowhere quest advice like "Princess Shazbutt is in the tower north of the Mountain of Pain."
  15. Also, "I know we just met and you don't know anything about me, but I have a beef with that particular wizard you mentioned. Let's journey together!"
  16. And everybody, everybody is out to get you.
Perhaps that last one's true. Truthfully, I’ve learned a lot from video games. Did you know the Japanese sign for the postal service looks like a capital "T" with a line over it?

More to come from the 8-bit soundtrack of my life.

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